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Let's face it: We're desperate.
In the past couple of years, online dating has lost some of its stigma. Yes, it's still a "personal ad" but it's far less labor intensive to post a profile on a website than it was to write up an ad and then mail it to the newspaper. Besides, everyone reads newspapers online these days anyway. Plus a lot of us seem to know someone who knows someone who tried the online dating thing and it worked for them, so why not? After all, you can remain pretty anonymous, what's the harm, right?
Still, let's not kid ourselves. As Camryn Manheim observed, "No matter how clever or confident-sounding a personal ad is, the subtext is always screaming I AM DESPERATE!" If we were capable of meeting people in the mysterious realm known as "out there" - where apparently masses of beautiful singles are meeting and hitting it off and planning to go uphold the "sanctity" of marriage by having a drunken Elvis impersonator in a Vegas wedding chapel declare them hitched - if any of us could even figure out *where* that place is, we wouldn't be slowly, ashamedly dragging ourselves into the world of virtual dating.
Having stuck my feet into the online dating pool and paddled around a bit, I'd like to offer some advice to people struggling over their keyboards during the afternoon lull at the office, trying to compose a profile that will sum up their entire twisted, complex personality in 1500 characters. (Note: the gender of this list is aimed at men, as I was looking at male profiles online, but there are some things that transcend gender or for that matter sexual preference.)
Tip #1.
I've been using the internet for social interaction for seven years and even I am still leery of the potential for encountering a "crazy internet person," AKA axe murderers / child molesters / rabid Howard Stern fans. So, including the word "crazy" in your user name is not going to entice me to click further.
Tip #2.
As with many other areas of life, spelling counts. I'm not talking about innocent typos, although I recently spotted a guy intending to ask "what kind of girl are you" and spelled it "what king of girl are you" which amused me greatly (no I didn't read the rest of his listing). I'm talking about basic grammar, spelling and punctuation. "Clubin" sounds like some kind of rare fungal disease to me, not an activity you do for fun. Also, I have to assume that if you are using a computer to post a personal ad, you have access to a word processing program. Most of those programs will highlight the misspelled words for you and correct them if you click 'yes.' Not bothering to do so makes you look lazy at best and flat out dumb otherwise.
Tip # 2a.
For those of you new to the internet, TYPING IN ALL CAPS IS CONSIDERED SHOUTING. Unlock the All Caps key, genius.
Tip #3.
Forget what the site suggests you put in your profile. Nothing says "pathetic" like telling me what "your friends" think of you. Saying "well my friends think I'm a nice guy" means YOU think you're a nice guy but you don't want to sound arrogant, so you dodge behind a supposed quote. I notice none of you mentions "My friends think I'm a really nasty drunk." Get my point?
Tip #4.
Following up on the "nice guy" thing, and I really can't stress this enough, read the other profiles before you write yours. My initial simple search on one of the more popular websites, limited only by geography, turned up over 50 user names. After a while, it starts to feel like the profiles were all written by one guy and the rest of you are copying his answer. "Nice, fun-loving guy," "Nice, laid back guy," "Nice, polite and looking for romance..." it all blends together into a big, bland mess of "guys" who are above all things, nice. Nice is a lovely place to visit, but this word has been beaten to death, buried, resurrected and then vivisected. I know the reason you're all using it is because supposedly most women say they want "a nice, normal guy" (more on that in Tip #5) but think about this. I've got 5 pages of names to scroll through. You want to stand out in the crowd without 1) posting in all caps or 2) calling yourself "crazynutcaseserialkiller." I'm not saying you aren't a nice guy. I'm not saying I don't want a nice guy. I'm saying, find a new angle for this pitch, because I'm bored now.
Tip #5.
Our very own Anya, on this site back in January, pointed out that all women are different. Some of us are indeed looking for a "nice, normal guy." I'd be willing to bet though that we all, men and women, have certain idiosyncrasies that fall outside the "nice" and "normal" categories. Those little quirks are what make each of us unique. Some of my quirks are demanding little buggers too, and I'd rather know if you can handle them. I'd also like to know if I can handle yours, because I want you to have them. Vanilla is a "nice" flavor, but I'm not a vanilla girl. So don't be afraid to be a bit quirky or offbeat in your own unique way right off the bat (i.e. in your profile). It'll save us both headaches down the road.
Tip #6.
Listing your ideal date as being "a romantic walk in the moonlight" or something like that just sets off my b.s. detector. For every one of you for whom that is the truthful answer, there are ten others who put that down because they think it's what women want to hear. For many of you, the perfect evening consists of beer, porn and sex, but you think giving the other answer and suffering through the long walk in the moonlight getting bitten by mosquitoes and stubbing your toe on a rock in the dark will probably end in sex, for which you're willing to trade the beer and the porn. There are two other options here. One is you say "beer, porn and sex" and call a spade a spade (and hey, like Anya said, there might be some woman out there who says "hell yeah baybee!"). Or you pick something other than the pat, predictable, "chick-friendly" answer.
Tip #7.
Sarcasm is a way of life in the modern world. Listing it as a "turn-off" will eliminate about three-fourths of the available population. You don't get to be over 25 and single without some cynicism and sarcasm. Also, saying that makes you sound like you have absolutely no sense of humor. Lighten up.
Tip #8.
If I've taken the time to make a statement about my political or religious convictions and that I'm strict about them, do me the courtesy of believing I meant it and don't contact me. I will likewise recognize that if you've mentioned something about religion or politics that I disagree with, I should leave you in peace. Agreed?
Tip #9.
Yes, the internet is a wonderful tool for eliminating some of the usual constraints of time and space. It's a wonderful way to stay in touch with friends who are in different time zones or even on different continents. However, we're talking about dating here, and one of the inexorable issues in dating is geography. You might be willing to travel 100 miles away from where you live to meet someone, but I'm not. Also I doubt my car could survive it. And lastly? Being that willing brings the whole "desperate" subtext we were talking about earlier out into the open and makes it bold neon graffiti. Unless you're living 75 miles away from the nearest traffic light and therefore have to go that far to find a date that doesn't have four legs, narrow your scope and be realistic.
Tip #10.
The Age Game. I realize people fall in love with other people who are much older and/or much younger than they are every day, and that's fine. For myself, I tend to think anything beyond a 10 year gap is getting into a difficult area. There's a reason I'm not trolling for a guy a decade younger than me. (I teach people of that age and I can barely handle that.) But, to be safe, let's say anything over a 15 year age gap is where you start running into problems. Which means, Mr. 53-year-old Computer Programmer, you're not hearing back from me. You're old enough to be my father. Yes, my actual father is in fact 20 years older than you, but still, it's just icky. Cut yourself off at 15 years because you look slightly perverted.
In case anyone was wondering, I have not yet "found" anyone in this method that I'm particularly interested in. But hope springs eternal, and I haven't given up. Plus, now that Ben has gotten rid of that JLo chick, I'm sure my romantic life will be taking a turn for the better any day now...
February 27, 2004
~ Darklady
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