We couldn't even think of a clever tagline. Move along now. Nothing to see.

I love the Office of Homeland Security!

And I'm not just saying that because the secret police will vanish me in the night if I don't. Sure, that's a big part of it, but also, hilarious terrorism warnings! Here are a few of my favorites from ready.gov:

Chemical Threat:

1. Terrorists may employ dangerous, but totally cool looking, chemical compounds.

2. These chemicals will give you psychic powers! Thrill as Americans fight back against terrorism with their multicolored Brain Rays!

3. Use your mighty powers to kill birds and fish. They are eyes of Osama!


1. Duck and cover! Yes, we have ressurected the duck and cover campaign. Seriously.


1. Get to an out of the way location.

2. Put on the totally sweet mask of the deadly weeping ninja!

3. Use your ninja karate chop to knock down the door and escape the building.

4. Return home to your good Republican nuclear family.

Nuclear Explosion:

1. Nuclear detonations have a blast radius of less than one block.
Also, radiation is easily confused by traffic directions. One left hand turn and it will lose your trail!

2. The terrorists have found weapons even cooler looking than the psychic chemicals!

3. Nuclear radiation can be stopped by plywood.

4. After you survive the nuclear explosion, there will be rampant chaos. Use this as a cover to steal awesome home entertainment systems!

~ Sam
February, 2003
~ Sam's Archives