Saturday, August 25, 2002

Sleep = good. Waking up = bad.
After a quick trip to Wal-Mart with DarkLady to get various things I'd forgotten- film, Pop-tarts, you know how it is- I was back on the road again. Today, kids, we're going to Iowa! Yay Iowa!

10:30 am.
psst- are we there yet? Oh fine....

What does Iowa have, you might ask? It has Ruffy! RTBS, who has in the time I've known him, has incited a Canadian Hottie Invasion through biblical quoteage, been presented Britney Spears as his personal slave since Kristy Swanson wasn't available, lost his soul to Britney, regained aforementioned soul & laid the a smackdown on the Pop Tart's ass that continues even today. For more on the entire adventure, see our Freaks section.
But yes. Off to Ruffy's house! Nobody else had ever been to Ruffy's house, ya know. First DarkLady's apt., then Ruffy's house. I was going where no one had gone before. I was...a pioneer, even. Trundling my way across this fair country, with nothing but the clothes on my back and everything in the 5x8 trailer I was hauling behind me my trusty transportation device! Look at me! That's right, baby! I'm breaking new ground! I'm displaying the kind of bravery that builds character and inevitably ends up in those "inspirational" stories that people for some reason keep trying to put in junior high literature class syllabi! I'm gonna be remembered in the Oprah Book Club!

Or I could just shut my yap and go to freakin' Iowa. Right then. Off we go.

Thankfully, the trip today was a short one- only estimated at about seven hours- and, having learned from yesterday, I estimated it out at nine or ten for the day. Not only that, but I'd be driving across my first time zone, which means I'd only be showing up two hours later than I'd planned, instead of three. Yay time zones!

And then I trundled off.

Road.
Road.
Road.
Cow by the road.
Road.
Lotta pickup trucks.

Hmm. There's a pattern here...

To relieve the unrelenting boredom, I started calling people. It was neat. I described the incredible flatness of the midwest for Sam, & was answered with, "What do you mean, it's just flat?"
"Sam, it's flat. There's nothing. The road just...stretches off into the distance."
"Oh, see that would freak me. I'm from the Appalacians. If I can see further than 100 yards in any direction without some kind of landscape blocking my view, I start to get nervous."
"Well then don't drive to Iowa. You'd have a nervous breakdown."
"I'll remember that."

Eventually, after many many many many miles (not as many as yesterday, granted, but still- many!) I arrived in Des Moines at around 7 on a Saturday night.

There was no one there.

It was freakin' me out, I tell ya. I'm driving along this highway that's obviously supposed to be a major highway, on a Saturday night ­there should be a certain low hum of traffic, right?
Wrong. Nada. Nuffin'. I had visions of The Stand. And I didn't even watch that whole mini-series when it aired!

Eventually, though, I got to the Empire O' Ruffy. I confirm my last leg of the directions with him, & then hang up. Which is when I saw the damnedest thing.

In Iowa, they have this chain of convenience stores. It's their version of 7-11. The name?

No, like, for real! True story! And it's not like there's just one of them. They're a chain - there's more than one! They're all over the state! Here, there, & everywhere! Between that & the porn in Ohio, I was so very amused.
Why, yes, I do have the maturity of a thirteen year old. What's your point?

I finally get to Ruffy's house, & it seems my arrival settled a question there. Mrs. Ruffy must have looked at her husband about five minutes before I showed up and asked, "Now, why is she driving cross-country again? Is she moving?" to which Ruffy went, "You know, I never asked. Yeah, maybe she's moving." At which point, I drove by his house looking for a place to park, & the KIA with a U-Haul trailer hitched to it was the deciding factor.

After parking the U-Haul in the driveway, I got to meet Mrs. Ruffy & the newest addition to the family, Alexander Salamander! He's very cute. There are pictures, but then Ruffy lost the digital camera for a while, & it was this whole thing. Plus, I'm incredibly lazy, and still, all these months later, have not developed my film. Oops.

Ruffy & I then bid the fam adieu & went out for dinner, where he was surprised to see me order red meat. Yes, red meat! Red meat = good! Hee. It was this whole thing, just trust me. After dinner, we took the Green Ruffy Bug back to the house, where I got to see the Tikki Room. Following that, we did what all Bronzers do - we sat there, hashing out ancient history and gossiping like two little old ladies. It was neat. And, and! I got my Superman jersey, & I gave Alexander Salamander! his Superman baby blanket that I'd made him. It was neat. But eventually, I was literally falling asleep as we were talking, so I was sent to bed. Did I mention that things were neat?