Our sad little lives, your comic relief.

The following is a work of fanfiction. While we don't normally publish fanfic here at NoDignity.com, this particular piece has been circulating to the amusement of many on the internet because Anya went on strike for a day at work. Enjoy.

Disclaimer : The following was written for entertainment purposes only. All characters named are the property of J.K. Rowling & whoever the hell else owns a piece of The Boy That Lived at this point. We're not making any money off of it (in fact, I'm sure some of our staff would say they're just not making any money, but that's a different story) so please don't bother to sue us, 'cause we ain't got shit. Thank you.

Naked Quidditch Match: 1
by Anya(with a little bit by Karen)

Inspired by Alex's comment that he was "off to dream of nude Quidditch matches..." (November 5, 2001)

To: All Students
From: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress
Re: Naked Quidditch (11/15/01)

As reported, by part of your foolish use of Magical Truth or Dare, the next Quidditch game will be conducted by the Gryffindor team in the buff. Given the nature of this particular game, the staff of Hogwarts will ensure temperatures in the Quidditch field stay reasonable.

All betting regarding the various sizes and weights of student equipment is not condoned. Should a magical measure stick be seen in the vicinity of the field on game day, there will be 500 points deducted from the house and a month of detentions.

Students in first through third years playing on the team are exempted from this display, as they were non-participants in the foolish game. They are to remain in their Quidditch uniforms.

Given the fact jock cups cannot be used in this game as per the restrictions of a "naked Quidditch challenge", any male student who wishes to learn of a genitalia protection spell may come to my office in confidence.

I would like to stress to all students that this type of "dare" from a Truth and Dare game is unacceptable, but magically binding. Please do try to engage brains before making foolish choices.

- Professor M. McGonagall

To: Gryffindor Quidditch Teammates
From: Gred and Forge Weasley
Re: Game Next Week

Oy. Okay, so we all know we're playing starkers. Letting it all hang out. Exposing our bits. Flaunting our glory... just to ensure we put those Slytherin gits to shame, anyone needing an 'enhancement' potion should let us know before the game. Well before the game. You'll need a night's rest and some practice to get used to the new balls, if you know what we're meaning.

Also, Forge and I have gotten our hands on a small quantity of woad. Anyone care for the Pict-Quidd team? We think we'd all look dashing in blue. Especially Katie, Alicia and Angelina, eh ladies?

Now, finally, the last going bid for the Malfoy jewels came in at a miserable 5.08 cm. Anyone out there, at ALL, care to dare higher? Pity Slytherin won't be all nekkid on the field, but still. We may yet find a way to verify measurements. Oh, and Harry? Your fan club has dumped the motherload for your dimensions. You might want to consider posing for 'em.


To: Harry's Girls (All Members)
From: Ginny Weasley / Founder
Re: Game Next Week

We've got Colin's camera! Anyone knowing a good way to disguise it as nothing more than Omnioculars please let me know!

Oh, and btw, I've snitched (err. No pun intended) my brother's Omnioculars. That's a total of 3 pairs I can lend out... first come, first serve.

Lastly, the design team for the Harry Potter Nude 2002 Calendar should meet IMMEDIATELY after the game!


To: Gryffindor Quidditch Team
From: Alicia Spinnet
Re: GQ Teammates Memo

Fred, George:

You are SO very dead.

- Katie, Alicia, and Angelina

To: Ginny Weasley
From: Hermione Granger
Re: Charm for Camera

You can never admit to Ron that this came from me. Attached is the charm you need. I've also included another charm that will let an Omnioculars capture an image and store it for downloading onto photograph paper.

You really REALLY mustn't let anyone know what the Omnioculars can do. Especially not Ron. He'll KNOW the charm came from me. It's taken me six months to get him to ease up on the Viktor thing; I'll not have him go cross-eyed every time Harry is in the same room as he and I.

Just so you know, I've tested the charm on my Omnioculars already. And no, you can't see the pictures. They're personal.


To: Fred and George Weasley
From: Lee Jordan
Re: You guys have a BIG Problem.

Mates, we're going to lose the bet. Harry's gone AWOL. I overhead Dumbledore talking to McGonagall and they think he's just handed himself over to Voldemort rather than play the game starkers.

BTW, Alicia and crew have it out for you. They've been practicing beat-the-Beater and their aim is PHENOMENAL! You'd best see McGonagall re: the protection charm.

Good luck!
- Lee

To: Angelina Johnson, Katie Bell
From: Alicia Spinnet
Re: The Damn Quidditch Match

Look, ladies. I know we're only caught up in this damn nightmare because of Fred and George, but it could be worse.

Face facts. We are hot women. All those Quidditch practices and whatnot have left us lean, trim, and very firm. And, we're not lacking in other assets, either.

So, the boys want to ogle. I say we provide a show that would put the Veelas to shame. I've gone to McGonagall and got the protection charm. I'll not have bruises show on my body! I also asked for the waxing charm.

So, how about a girls' beauty night? Hermione has offered to play watch-out and keep the guys off our back. Oh! And here's a thought... if we're gonna go starkers because of this damn dare, how about raising the ante with a strip tease?

- Alicia

To: Fred and George Weasley
From: Ron Weasley
Re: Your AWOL Seeker

Sorry mates, but Hogsmeade's entire supply of Butterbeer just ain't gonna cut it. Keep in mind, I've learned from the best jokers in Hogwarts. You'll have to come up with more than that for me to spill Harry's location. Now, if you can find a stripping charm for Hermione and access to a room for private showing, then we'll talk.

Oh, and I just got two owls from Bill and Charlie. They wanna know if it's too late for them to submit their bids for the golden Snitches. Percy, of course, declined to wager.

- Ron

To: Lee Jordan
From: Fred Weasley
Re: Finding Harry

Checked with Ron, Lee. He's not budging. You sure that Lavender's on the level about those piccy's Hermione has?

- Fred
(and George)

To: Fred AND George Weasley
From: Lee Jordan
Re: Pictures

Word is, our resident Gryffindor Super-Genius has found a way to turn Omnioculars into a digital camera. Right neat or wot?

She's got some interesting snaps of your little brother Ronniekins from the locker room showers. I'd say she's been lifting Harry's Cloak of Iniquity.

And George, insecurity complex much?


To: Lee Jordan
From: Fred and George Weasley
Re: Err? What?

You Muggle Git! What the deuce is a 'digital' camera?

To: Ron Weasley
From: His Wonderful Big Brothers
Re: AWOL Seeker

Dear Ronniekins

It has come to our attention, via our elaborate and exotic spy network that someone (who shall go unnamed until you tell us where our vanished Seeker is) has taken advantage of your trust and captured you in the buff on film.

For the price of such information that leads to the whereabouts of one Harry Potter, we will divulge the perpetrator, the method of the crime and provide you with the originals of the incriminating photos.

And no, Ronnie... they aren't the baby pictures Mummy took.

Brotherly Love,
Fred & George

To: All Gryffindors
From: Ron Weasley
Re: Attention All Gryffindors

If I find the perv who has been sneaking around taking pictures of me starkers, I'll do worse than an Unforgivable curse!

And, I bet I'm not the only one this creep has been stalking!

Anyone with knowledge of the identity of this git had better let me know and let me know fast or I'll go straight to McGonagall!

- Ron Weasley

To: Ginny Weasley
From: Hermione Granger
Re: You didn't tell him!


Please tell me you didn't tell Ron about the Omnioculars! Please! Oh my! How did he find out about the pictures?! What am I going to do if he finds out it was me!


To: Hermione Granger
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Pictures

You're NOT serious! You took naked pictures of MY brother? Are you out of your mind? What on earth would you want pictures of THAT git for?

I haven't told Ron anything. I'm quite put out with him, he's hiding Harry, I just know it, and he won't say where.

As for dealing with Ron... when in doubt, lie. Make something up. He's so gullible he'd believe you if you swore your unending love for him.

Err. You don't love him, do you? I'm sure there's a tonic for that.

- Ginny

To: Ron Weasley
From: Your Secret Admirer
Re: Rumors of Pictures

Dear Ron,

I am a female student in the upper classes. I am in a few of your classes, and have been since first year.

Umm. I don't know what to say other than... IhaveacrushonyouandIhavethepicturesyouweretalkingabout. I don't know how you found out about them. I've shown NO ONE! And I won't.

Please don't go to McGonagall. Please! I couldn't bear to have you find out who I am, because... because I know you couldn't possibly like me too.

- Your Secret Admirer

To: Hermione Granger
From: Your Bestest Bud, Ron
Re: Help?

Hey Mione!

Remember when you were explaining the things about the Mmail system here? What was it you said about IP #'s being traceable? I can't remember. Is there a way to look up WHO sent you something by IP number?

Let me know! I'll read Hogwarts, A History if you can help!

- Ron

To: Gryffindor Quidditch Team
From: Fred and George Weasley
Re: Our Missing Seeker

Alicia, Katie and Angelina, with all due respect, we've gone to McGonagall and got the protective charm. You three are playing wrong positions! You should be Beaters!

Good news, though. We've found Harry. The git has been hiding under his Invisibility Cloak in the Chamber of Secrets for the past three days to avoid detection. Our darling baby sister went down and hauled him up. You've got to admire her persistence to a goal.

At any road, Harry's under 24-hour guard now. And Snape has promised to ensure he doesn't poison or wound him in class. We don't know what the fool's worried about. We're in the locker room with him often enough, he's got nothing to be ashamed about. Really. NOTHING.

- Gred and Forge

To: Gryffindor Quidditch Team
From: Harry Potter
Re: The Damn Situation Fred & George got us in.

Here's an idea... let's concede the game. LET the Slytherins take the bloody cup. I'm not going out there starkers!

- Harry

To: Gryffindor Quidditch Team
From: Fred and George Weasley
Re: Concede the game?!

We can't possibly concede the game! Are you mad, Harry?! If we even consider it, think of what Malfoy's gonna say. Not only do we have our personal prides at stake here, but also the glory of our House.

And if anyone else is even considering this idea, we'll go straight to McGonagall. She's not going to let her House go down to Slytherin after that horrendous 7-year loss to them in the House Cup.

Oh, and Harry, if only the bets on the size of your prized jewels were House points, we'd win the House Cup as fast as Percy can Apparate downstairs.

- Gred and Forge

To: Gryffindor Tower (All)
Re: Fred and George Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Measurements

Allow me to dispel the rumors. My measurements are precisely 13.2842 cm x 4.445 cm in width. Anyone wanting diameter, provide a tape measure and I'll bloody give you that too!

Having spoiled the gambling, I suggest you all get a refund from the pool from Fred and George.

Best regards,
- Harry

To: Harry Potter
From: Fred and George Weasley
Re: Measurements

How could you do that to us? Your mates, your chums, you buds... your teammates! How, Harry? How?

To: Harry Potter
From: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress
Re: Fred, George...

Mr. Potter:

Thank you for sharing your previous message to all of the residents, including myself, of Gryffindor Tower. I trust you proved some trivial point to your satisfaction? I do feel a discussion on propriety is needed. As such, I expect to see you in my office first thing tomorrow morning!

Minerva McGonagall
Deputy Headmistress

To: Ginny Weasley
From: Lavender Brown
Re: Harry's Measurements

Oh my goodness. Did you SEE that Ginny? Over 13 cm! YUM!

- Lav

To: Harry Potter
From: A Gryffindor Admirer
CC: Gryffindor Tower (All)
Re: Independent Assessment of Measurement

Dear Harry,

As an avid fan of your Quidditch prowess (among other things), may I suggest that a neutral party (i.e. a non-Gryffindor and non-Slytherin) take your measurements?

Who's to say that any of your answers could be believed considering our House and Slytherin are active participators in this Quidditch match?

I'm sure a Hufflepuff or Ravenclaw wouldn't mind volunteering for this tedious and most difficult task.

Go Gryffindors!

- An admirer

To: Harry Potter
From: Oliver Wood
CC: Gryffindor Quidditch Team
Re: House Pride

I've just been informed by emergency Owl Post about this Stark Quidditch Match. Harry, what do you think you're doing?! Rule # 1 is never giving Slytherin ANY advantage! Sure you're in a rather compromising position with this game, but winning the game is your first priority!

Now go and recant your measurements before Slytherin finds out. I've worked hard to put Gryffindor at the top, and so did your teammates. Don't let your pants us down! Just remember that we've got the best Quidditch team in the school... and our reputation depends on YOU!

Feel free to Owl me for Quidditch tips.

- Oliver

To: Oliver Wood
From: Harry Potter
Re: Teamwork


No real disrespect intended but--Go to Hell.

- Harry

To: Fred and George Weasley
From: Oliver Wood
Re: Harry's Attitude

Listen, chaps. I just had the most appalling Mmail back from Potter. I think you both need to take a firm look at how you're managing your Captaincy.

It's about Teamwork. Working together and making sacrifices for the team. You've got to encourage him to have a more sporting outlook. Sure, I realise I'm not the one having to go starkers in front of the entire student body... but still.

D'ya suppose his reluctance has to do with how the entire student body will be ogling HIS body and no one else's?

- Oliver

To: Oliver Wood
From: Fred and George Weasley
Re: Harry's Attitude

Hey, Oliver:

1. It is our sincere hope that the MALES of the student body are not inclined to ogle Harry. That's just sick, man.

2. Excuse us, but--Go To Hell!

- Fred & George

To: Ginny Weasley
From: Lavender Brown
Re: Hello?

Ginny? Did you get my Mmail? Are you okay? No one's heard from you since Saturday!

- Lavender

To: Lavender Brown
From: Hermione Granger
Re: Worried about Ginny

Goddamnit, Harry! You know my little sister has a crush on you! Did you HAVE to send out that Mmail glorifying your endowment?

Hermione took her down to the Infirmary. She was foaming at the mouth and wouldn't let go of a printout of that Mmail and a measuring tape!

This is ALL your fault, Fred, George. Wait till Mum finds out!

And Harry -- stay away from my little sister!

- Ron

To: Ron Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Ginny's Condition

Err? Ron? I'm your bloody roomie! Why are we Mmailing each other this stuff?

- Harry

To: A Gryffindor Admirer
From: Harry Potter
CC: Gryffindor Tower (All)
Re: Independent Assessment of Measurements

For the sake of accuracy in the gambling regarding the assets of the Quidditch team, why not measure all of us?

Just contact Hermione Granger to work out a schedule that's agreeable and I'll drop my trousers for your review if Fred & George drop theirs.

- Harry Potter

Chapter 2