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Naked Quidditch Match: 8
To: Lord Voldemort My lord, the courts have rejected your claim that Moldiemort robes are a slandering violation of your civil rights. Worse, the Wizard Live Broadcast of the upcoming Gryffindor / Slytherin game has indicated that nearly all spectators are planning to wear the robes in support of their hero, Potter. Further the overhead banner of the announcing booth will have promotional material for the robes alongside "The Naked Quidditch" calendars and a new product that I fear will truly not please you. Something called "Mockeries of a Dark Lord." Again, the courts claim you do not have exclusive rights to the phrase "Dark Lord" and it is a vague enough term for any of history's predominant dark wizards. And, yes, before you ask, I killed the lawyers representing your interest. Lucius Malfoy To: Peter Pettigrew I daresay that he'll start foaming at the mouth anytime now. Watch him closely, Peter. I've got our people organized to run an assault during the game. I'll let you know how it goes before reporting to Him. If things fall apart, give him some calming potion. Lucius Malfoy To: Lucius Malfoy So much for being "Lucky". Our Frothing Lord is intending to lead the assault. Was nice knowing you, Malfoy! Happy trails in hell! PP To: Padfoot Hey, Padfoot -- I'm about to Apparate over to Hogsmeade for the game. You up to meeting me outside the Three Broomsticks before heading up to Hogwarts? Moony To: Moony Will you give me a bowl of Butterbeer? - Woof To: Padfoot You lush. You'd think you'd not had Butterbeer in a decade. - Moony To: Moony I haven't had Butterbeer in a decade! They don't exactly serve fine cuisine in Azkaban. Moldy bread, rancid water, etc. That's their menu. I reckon, I don't rightly remember WHAT Butterbeer tastes like, after so long of being wrongfully imprisoned. - Poor Hard-done by Padfoot To: Padfoot You always were a master of the Guilt Trip. Damn those puppy-dog eyes of yours. Fine. I'll buy you some Butterbeer. - Moony To: Moony You love me. You really do. *sniff* To: Padfoot Only in your better dreams. Now, get your tail-wagging arse in gear and get over here. To: Albus Dumbledore / Headmaster Dragons are in place. I must admit, I'm delighted my little sister thought of this idea. I had no idea that she was so well trained in understanding the capabilities of defensive dragon stratagems. Looking forward to the game today. And man, am I EVER glad that I never had a match like this! - Charlie Weasley To: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress I am to understand by the glazed look in students' eyes that the calendars were issued promptly this morning. I must admire Weasley and Potter for their strategy. Attention on the game today will have been lessened by the presence of this calendar. I have heard from Severus today. He feels Harry and his associates have an unfair advantage. It appears a few members of his Quidditch team have also received copies of the calendar and are incredibly distracted. I agreed to speak to you regarding postponing the game. Your thoughts? Albus To: Albus Dumbledore / Headmaster No. Way. In. Hell. - Minnie To: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress Minnie: You. Gutter. OUT! To: Albus Dumbledore / Headmaster Oh, dear. Sorry. Backslid for a moment there. It shan't happen again, Professor. All the same, with all the charms, protections and other lengths we have gone to for this game, I am not in favor of postponing. - Minnie To: Severus Snape / Potions Master Severus, we are still on for today's game. I trust your boys and girls are ready for the game and focused on the task at hand. Yours, To: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress Minerva, Are we not taking inter-house rivalry a little far? My team is certainly not ready, as there's something other than the game that they want to have in hand. SS To: Severus Snape / Potions Master Nice implied statement. Very slick. To: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress Not so bad yourself, Minnie. Regardless how the game turns out, do you want to go down to Hogsmeade after and celebrate our survival of this farce? SS To: Severus Snape / Potions Master Only if you're up to it, old boy! Only if you're up to it. *wink* - Minnie To: Ginny Weasley Ginny, if you're still around and not down at the pitch, do you want to go down with us HP fans? To: Padma Patil Can't. Gotta go down with my man (right now!) and 'support' the team. Ginny To: Ginny Weasley Hey Ginny, Can you bring my copy of the now infamous "Naked Quidditch" pictures down to the game? I'd rather not have them delivered by owl post. My 'fans' would likely filch them. Amongst anything else they can find to get their mangy grasping paws on. But, hey... I'm not bitter. Just bruised. I'll see you at the game! - Oliver To: Oliver Wood Ouch, Oliver. You have *got* to hire some bodyguards! If it makes you feel any better, you'll always be safe around me. I've got your pictures, all nicely bundled up and innocuous. Glad you mmailed me when you did. I almost sent them out! I'm heading down to McGonagall's office with Harry in just a moment. The team is having a "don't kill each other" session with our fearless Head. So, I'll be down at the pitch bright and early. Harry's reserved a great seat for Hermione and me. BTW, unit sales of the calendar are at 92%. We were 70% sold before the product went live, and sold an additional 22% in less than two hours. I think it'll be sold out by the time the game's over. Dennis Creevey has volunteered to monitor the sales while the game is on. He says he can't bear to be out there watching all sorts of 'bits flying about'. GW To: Ginny Weasley Oh, I bet I'm safe around you. It's not my body you're so fond of ogling, now is it? - Oliver To: Oliver Wood Be nice, Ollie. I do have all of the original photos and negatives after all. I'd *hate* to have to blackmail you into good behavior and less innuendo. Even if what you're implying is true. And more importantly, my ogling object is now mine. All mine. Bwahahahah. Urr. Sorry. Gin To: Lord Voldemort Master, May I humbly request that you allow us to make the attack on the upcoming Hogwarts Quidditch Match on your behalf? Let us endeavor to bring this victory to you. Potter has been too cocky in his recent assaults, Master. I do not wish to endanger you in something that is most assuredly a trap. Please Master. Stay home. Watch your Star Wars tapes. Again. - Lucius Malfoy To: Lucius Malfoy Potter stands no chance against me. I am VOLDEMORT! DARK LORD OF THE SITH! No force of goodness may stand against me. I shall emerge from this battle victorious! There is only the darkness! VOLDEMORT To: Draco Malfoy Son, The 'Dark Lord' has snapped. He's completely off his rocker. Looney as they get. Nutters. Just thought I should let you know. He's planning to attack at today's game, and I'm almost certain this will blow up in all our faces. I think it's time for the Malfoy family to switch teams, if you know what I mean. With love, To: Hermione Granger Hey Hermione (Harry beside me says "Hi!") Just heading down now. Meet you down there in a few! G & H To: Ginny Weasley and Harry Potter Why is Harry in your dorm, Ginny? And are you aware your brother has gone completely catatonic? - Hermione To: Hermione Granger Which brother? I have so many with so many reasons to go catatonic. Most having something to do with things I've done to them. Anyway, it's hard to know which brother has snapped with a vague statement like that. Could you be more specific? And, Ms. Manners, mind your own business. We're having a post-breakfast business meeting, if you must know. G & H To: Ginny Weasley and Harry Potter Business meeting, my arse. Post-breakfast, Pre-game snog. And, your brother RON has gone catatonic. Is that specific enough? In fact, he's foaming at the mouth. Rather like you were after the measurements for Harry were publicly released by, oh yes, Harry. D'ya suppose your brother is GAY? - Hermione To: Hermione Granger Wouldn't you be the expert on my dear brother's... preference? Besides, no, I don't think he's gay. Unlike Draco Malfoy (and the Malfoy family) he didn't order a calendar. To: Ginny Weasley EEEEEP! That's so... so... SICK! To: Lee Jordan We're sorry, Lee. Shouldn't have blamed you. How can we make it up to you, ol' buddy, ol' pal, ol' friend? - F&G To: Fred and George Weasley Sorry, I'm not available at present to take your message. Today is the long awaited Gryffindor Naked Quidditch Match, and as the commentator for Quidditch Sports at Hogwarts, I'm needed for stadium broadcast setup. Hope to see you at the game! Come out and show your team your support! And if you're Fred / George Weasley... vengeance is mine. Lee Jordan To: My Loyal Death Eaters My loyal Death Eaters, Now is the time to wage an assault against Dumbledore and Potter. I want every person wearing those robes tortured, crucified and killed. I want them pounded into the ground. I want them pummeled, pulverized, gutted, eviscerated, gouged, crucified, gored... I want them DEAD! I trust you get my point. We attack as soon as the balls are in the air. Lord Voldemort To: The Dark Lord, The Gang Master, Given the number of balls that will be flying, which specific one has to be in the air before we attack? Potter's, or the Quidditch balls? To: sales@moldiemort.com I'd like to order three robes, XL size. And, could I also request two of "The Naked Quidditch" calendars? Orders should be billed to: Minister of Magic To: C. Fudge Dear Minister Fudge: Thank you for your order. Units will be delivered immediately.
Best regards, Watch soon for our newest product: "Mockeries of a Dark Lord", a cynical and humorous portrayal of evil via prose, limericks and other fun literary works.
To: sales@moldiemort.com Thank you for the information. Is it possible to pre-order "Mockeries of a Dark Lord"? Oh, and do you have a discount for government employees? - C. Fudge To: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress The boy has been sedated, poor soul. I'm leaving some wards about him now just as I nip down to the game. He should stay 'out' until at least late this afternoon. I do hope your team knows their protective spells. Nasty business, naked quidditch! Poppy To: Poppy Pomfrey / School Nurse And of course, you're only nipping down to the game 45 minutes before it starts for the welfare of the students. - Minnie To: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress But of COURSE I'm only going to ogle for the sake of the students. See you in a few! Poppy To: Peter Pettigrew Crabbe is a blundering idiot. Now the Master is hell bent on being there to ensure that we chase the right balls. I've tried EVERYTHING to stop him. I've begged, I've pleaded, I've grovelled, I've even flattered him outrageously. Isn't there anything you can do, Wormtail? Can't you hex him or SOMETHING? So Very Un-Lucky To: Rita Skeeter Rita, your passes are attached. These will permit you and your photographer access to the game. We have been sent legal notice that any and all photos taken must be approved by the Gryffindor House Team, and the negatives must be surrendered to Prof. Albus Dumbledore. Please don't infringe on the legalities. PLEASE. Or, they WILL have a valid lawsuit against us. And keep your Quick-Quotes Quill to yourself! The utter bare facts, Rita. No pun intended. M. Stuart To: All Gryffindors Hope everyone's set for the game. I know our team is ready to bedazzle the school with what a Gryffindor is made of. Let's get down there, and show our support. Girls, do the boys a favor and try not to giggle. Boys, do the girls a favor and don't drool at the femmes of our team. Let's show the Slytherins that what's going on in the game has more to do with Snitches, Bludgers and whatnot than with breasts and balls. - Dean To: Dean Thomas How utterly inspiring, Mr. Thomas. See me after the game. Minerva McGonagall |
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