Motivators. We all have at least one of them in our office. Or at least know the type of idiot I'm talking about. Hell, maybe you ARE one of these idiots. You know - the guy/gal who has a copy of "Who Moved My Cheese?" on their desk, and can't walk by a Successories store without going in and buying something.

What is it with these people? I just don't get it. I can't believe they're actually using this things to motivate themselves. You want to motivate yourself? Say you want to lose some weight, or get a new job, or finish that epic novel you've been working on. Promise to buy yourself a new pair of shoes, a new car, a new dress, a new Superman t-shirt or the latest issue of Maxim Magazine if you achieve your goal. Material goods! That's motivation baby! What dumb-ass spends $90 on a framed print of a whale leaping out of the water above the word SUCCESS to motivate themselves? Do you know how much beer and porn you can buy for $90? So, which is going to motivate more in accomplishing a goal that you've set for yourself - picture of 100 idiots riding bikes up a mountain above the word ACCOMPLISHMENT or beer and porn (or comic books if you're like me and are not into porn)?

Sadly though, most of the marketing of such stupidity is aimed at MANAGEMENT. Stores like Successories sell managers, bosses and CEO on the idea that such drivel is a way to motivate and reward their employees? Excuse me? A picture of an Bald Eagle soaring over the mountains with LEADERSHIP in big words does nothing for me. Hell, I love military hardware of all kinds, but five F-15C fighter jets flying in formation - a sight that even a photo of can normally bring me to nigh orgasmic bliss - above the words TEAMWORK? Fuck all that. You want to motivate me? GIVE ME MONEY!

The problem is, the bosses of the world have bought into this. They actually think we WANT and APPRECIATE this shit. So we get more of it. Then, because the boss seems to be into such things, we've got an office full of suck-ups who go out and buy this shit to get on the bosses good side. So we get more of it.

Case in point. My old boss used to be a motivator. She used to do shit like buy us all a copy of "Who Moved My Cheese?" for Christmas, and routed around passages from "Leadership Secrets of Santa Claus" and filled her office with $100 a pop 2x3 foot posters featuring the latest offerings from Successories. Then the suck-asses in the office started putting smaller versions of these things on their desks in their cubes. But just when all this seemed bad enough, it happened. Instead of the usual pizza party that the boss would buy us for Christmas, she decided to spend the money on ONE item that the whole office could enjoy as it hung in the conference room. It was some bullshit poster called Peter's Law - you can see it here. The thing that pissed me off (aside from the fact that the frame she used for it could have probably paid for three pizza parties) the most about this was the utter hypocrisy of it all. Because anytime you actually followed one or more of these as it related to dealing with her, (such as #13 - "No" simply means begin again at one higher level) you got your ass kicked. Oh sure, it was OK for HER to follow these rules - just not you. Not if it affected her in anyway. (as a side note, the day the last member of the "old guard" leaves this place I'm taking that fucker home and burning it in the fireplace.)

And so I had to strike back. I typed in a search for demotivators on the web and found despair.com. Finally! The ability to fight fire with fire! I bought three 4x6 inch notecards - Despair, Cluelessness and Doubt. Not only because I was cheap, but because I figured if I tried to hang them on the wall she'd make me take them down. So long as they were on our one allotted "personal items" shelf, she could express disapproval, but probably couldn't make me remove them. I bought some cheap frames and set them on my desk and waited.

I didn't have to wait long. The first day, she walked by and with a squeal of geeker joy came closer to see wording. Because you see... at first glance, the demotivators at despair.com look just like those tools of Satan of you can get at the mall.

"I'm so glad to see that you've...."

"That I've what?" I said with a grin as I noticed first the look of ashen horror and then the slow, madding look of rage come across her face.

"I don't think those are very funny."

"It's a joke."

"I don't like them and I don't appreciate them being in this office."

"That exactly how I feel about the 27 pieces of flare that you and some other folks have in this office. This is just my way of quietly protesting them."

"I probably can't make you take them home..."

"No, you probably can't."

"But I'd appreciate it if you'd remove them."

Well kids, there still and she's all gone (not that the new boss is any better) and so my demotivators stay. You wanna have some fun in your office? Fight the evil that has seeped into the fabric of our corporate culture? Give the boss a subtle "Fuck you" ? Take it from me - a satisfied customer - and go to Despair.com and check out the list. I'll bet you'll find at least one there that speaks to your heart about how you feel about your job, your boss, your co-workers... the possibilities are endless. But remember, "Success is a journey, not a destination. So stop running."