We couldn't even think of a clever tagline. Move along now. Nothing to see.

Also, holy crap! literally!
sign up now, and after the Rapture, your computer will email your heathen friends automatically so you can rub it in that you disappeared because you were chosen by Jesus!

Rapture Letters from your Home Computer!

See samples of the letters that will be sent to your loved ones to let them know that they weren't good enough... or just have it sent to that person you really really didn't like (in an entirely proper manner of course) so that they'll be able to see that yes! Not only were you right, you were divinely endorsed in your rightness!
- Closet Buffyholic

Closet Buffyholic Right. What I'm wondering is, if all the Christians have been taken away, who will initiate the program that sends the emails? I suppose they have heathens on their staff who will see to it.
- Seska

Closet Buffyholic how will they know if I've been taken into the arms of Jesus and haven't just popped out to the porn and liquor store?
- Mr. Whyt

Closet Buffyholic, MrWhyt, et al -- How does this work? How does someone interrupt The Rapture to send an e-mail? "Excuse me God, I'll be ready to join you in a moment for the Rapture but first I've got to log on and this modem is really slow."?
- Narrator

MrWhyt Well, presumably the Rapture will, like Y2K, trigger some sort of mass computer phenomenon, and the following letter will be generated.

Dear Friend; This message has been sent to you by a friend or a relative who has recently disappeared along with millions and millions of people around the world.
The reason they chose to send you this letter is because they cared about you and would like you to know the truth about where they went.
This may come as a shock to you, but the one who sent you this has been taken up to heaven...

According to the website, after the Rapture, the letters will be sent the first Friday following the Rapture, and every Friday after that. What happens if the Rapture falls on a Friday, I have no idea. I mean, that would presumably leave your loved ones waiting a whole WEEK before finding out you haven't popped out for porn, and are in fact, in the arms of the Lord. Of course, why you'd care about those heathen unbelievers, I have no idea. I mean, it's not like they get a second chance. After the Rapture, you're just screwed, man!
I think this is a plot by the Scientologists, myself.
- Closet Buffyholic

Closet B Oh no, plenty of people Christians (*g*) think that heathens will get a second chance after the Rapture. This is evangelism at its most insipid and utterly stupid. Also quite amusing, though.
Don't mind me. Ex-fundamentalists being the most anti-fundamentalism, and all that.

- Seska

seska -- Well, in that case, why doesn't the e-mail give directions to the heathens about that second chance? Otherwise, it's sort of a "Hi, I've been saved and you could be too if I told you how but I won't! Have a nice eternity in Hell!!!"
- Narrator

Narrator, Seska so, it's sort of a last nag by your fundamentalist friends to get you to go to church, even after millions of people disappear? I mean, what's the point of being left behind if you still get evangelical email? And I'd much prefer it if it were a "neener neener" email and rubbed in the fact that you're going to hell and I'm not.
- Closet Buffyholic

Closet Buffyholic, Narrator Maybe there's an option you can choose according to your theological viewpoint. Click 'save friend' if you believe in salvation after the Rapture and 'damn friend' if you don't...

I'm working on a letter of my own now:
Dear Sir or Madam:
I hate to be the one to break this to you... you missed the rapture, and just like me you must be numbered among the goats. It's hard to pinpoint the exact moment, but I'm 95% certain the rapture occurred during the third week of August, 2000. All I have to go on at this point is a sudden drop in NASCAR event attendance around that time, plus the news that Lulu's diner on the "Bottoms" in Kansas City, Kansas was suddenly shuttered, with a sign in the window explaining that it was "Closed for the Rapture". (It has since reopened under new, presumably sinful management.)
Yes, just as the birth of our Lord passed unremarked by most at the time, the sudden ascension of the worthy caused barely a ripple in this wicked world. But surely it has occurred to you that a world in which Arnold Schwartzenegger is about to be governor of California must be in the End Times. See you in... well, you know. Yours for eternity...

(BTW, not mocking Christianity in any way, folks. This site in discussion is probably a scam.)
- Kansas

Seska, Narrator, MrWhyt, Closet Buffyholic : I hate to disappoint everyone, but someone who thinks he/she is going to ...rapturize ...could indeed create a program that will send out that e-mail every Friday unless the person tells the program not to (thus proving the rapture hasn't happened yet with a mere -- not -mere- -- press of a button).
Doesn't mean that person actually will be ascending any time soon. And of course, if that person dies before the rapture, those messages are gonna start going out early. Won't that be embarrassing.

- Leather Jacket

3:30 AM, more Fellowship extras or sweet sweet sleep....
Wake me if The Rapture comes but only if its a really good one

- Mr. Whyt

We'll send you an email.
- nails

Nails cool. To clarify, the notification is required so I can get in some looting, those Christians will probably leave some sweet stuff behind.
- Mr. Whyt

~ Closet B, along with various cast & crew
October, 2003

~ WebFu Archives