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I don't do Stupid well, but, for a cause...
I'm taking the plunge. It's a big social responsibility, and I know there will be good days and bad days. It's rather like a marriage, I think. "For Better and For Worse". And like a husband, training will be involved.
I've been leaning this way for 7 years. Debating, procrastinating, wishing and in general waffling all over the place as I struggled to put things in position for it. And now, five months after moving into my new house, I'm ready. I'm going to do it.
I'm adopting.
I'm going to take all those misguided maternal instincts (and for those that know and love me, they will solemnly nod their heads and confirm that misguided IS the apt word.) and lavish all the love of my rotten blackend heart on a tender little 8 week old life.
Meet... Rudy. (soon to be Lucifer "Lucky" Clover)
He's cute, isn't he? Freakin' adorable. Soon to find his way in my warped world, I sincerely hope.
However, nothing in life is simple, and by the time this is posted I do hope the reality has merged with the hope. I submitted the adoption papers on Thursday February 27th, and a day later am somewhat anxiously waiting for confirmation.
God damn it people, hello? Do you KNOW who I am? You don't want one of MY letters coming your way! Approve me. NOW. Tell me to come on down and cuddle my puppers. To channel the lingo of a wonderful woman I met a few weeks ago (not in a prison movie way, you gutter-minded fools! Think respect when I say wonderful! Yeesh.) I want to smoooooooch the puppy!
So, as I said, I have submitted the adoption papers. And midway through filling them out I started pondering. I have bought a house. I have gone through that legal mumbo-jumbo and garbage with the lawyer, the bank, the real estate agents -- and that was an easier process!
The Magayuk Rescue has a standardized adoption form. I won't bore you with the actual questionnaire part. It's atypical 'Rank, Order, Serial Number' in material. I'm surprised they didn't ask for my Social Insurance Number, though, after I waded through the questions. It's a DOG people, NOT a human infant! Not that I demean dogs. I'd prefer a dog over a human infant any old day. At least when they shit I poop and scoop, I don't have to wipe their ass too!
(See? Misguided Maternal Instincts. Claris will be setting up a fund for poor Lucky in a matter of days, I'm sure. Feel free to donate. He may need therapy if he's too sweet.)
So. For the consideration of the NoDignity.com readers, I bring you: The Legal Mumbo-Jumbo of Magayuk. As a gift with purchase, my commentary is interspersed. Some sections I do agree with, somewhat. However, the whole "Big Brother" thing about this form people, it's a DOG! A four-legged cuddly canine NOT the crown jewels, or a Faberge Egg! Get. A. Grip!
For Your Review: (you will be given a copy of this contract, and we will have you sign one for our records, you do not need to fill out this part)
Section I - Go Ahead, bill me until I bleed!
I, the undersigned, certify that I have read the above information carefully and have filled out this application honestly. I understand omission of information and/or failure to answer all questions and sign the application can result in this application being denied. Also, if an omission or untruth is discovered after an adoption takes place, I understand that the ____________ reserves the right to annul the adoption and reclaim the dog. Should such a situation lead to legal process, I agree I am solely responsible for all costs, including attorney fees and court costs.
[They are delusional. Any one, regardless of what it is they are applying for should never agree to absorb all legal costs. Let the court decide in judgment. I mean, really. How stupid are their applicants? Shall we sacrifice virgins on an altar while we're at it too? Asinine demand. In my copy, it is struck out and being amended to: Should such a situation lead to legal process, the court shall determine where liability for attorney fees and court costs will lie.]
Section II - The truth, the whole truth and nothing BUT the truth - is the sky blue?
I understand that prior to being approved for adoption that all of the above information will be verified, and by signing this, I give my permission for this verification.
[What? They're going to come to my house and look for the fence that I said isn't there yet? Or my birth certificate for the correct spelling of my surname? Or would they like my first dog's death certificate and proof she died at 17 years of age? If they wanted SIN, banking information, or proof of a driver's license THEN they have something to verify. How will they verify that I want a dog after reading the application? Let me guess, I'll have to be given a lie-detecting test. They're going to interview the neighbors I don't really speak to? Riiiight. Good luck, folks.]
Section III - And they're gonna know how?
I further agree that if at any time, in the opinion of ____________ that it is to the benefit of the dog's well being to be removed from my care, I will relinquish said dog immediately and without negative incident. Should such a situation lead to legal process, I agree I am solely responsible for all costs, including attorney fees and court costs. Should such a situation lead to legal process, the court shall determine where liability for attorney fees and court costs will lie.
[Oh, they're on Meths! Great. What's the phrase I'm looking for, oh yes.. No. Way. In. Hell. There is a reason why there's an Animal Control Board in the province. It's to look out for the humane treatment and control of animals. If I abuse my pet, the law will come down on me. Not as hard as I'd like, but there it is. And what prerequisites must be met to determine the 'benefit of the dog's well being'? Get stuffed, people. Besides, what? You're going to come and check on the dog every so often? The Child Services people don't check on children unless there's a complaint, so why would I let you snoop around my life?]
If at any time I desire to relinquish custody, or ____________ demands its release for failure to comply with agreement, I agree to return said dog to ____________ making no charges of any nature for licensing, care, food or other services or items.
I hereby agree to care for this dog humanely (including providing adequate food, water, shelter, love and attention). Said dog shall be maintained in an adequate enclosed area or on leash at all times. Dog shall not be allowed to roam at will. I agree to have dog vaccinated annually with necessary inoculations and vaccinated against Rabies, as local ordinances require. I agree to provide essential veterinary care, as needed. If said dog becomes lost or stolen, I agree to notify ____________ immediately.
I also agree not to sell, trade or dispose of this dog. If, at any time, I am unable or unwilling to care for this dog, I agree to contact and return said dog to ____________. I further agree that said dog shall not be used for medical or any other experimental purposes or sold or given to a pet store, supplier or wholesaler.
I agree that said dog will not be used for any illegal purposes and will NEVER be fought in any way. If this clause is broken, I understand that ____________ will immediately confiscate the dog and all law enforcement agencies will be notified, as applicable.
Section IV - Big Brother Wants to Watch
I agree to notify ____________ within 10 days of any change of address or phone # (and vice versa). It is also understood that ____________ may examine and make inquiries about said dog at any time. If not satisfied with the condition of the dog or the conditions in which it is kept, said dog can or may be removed immediately and placed in a different home. Any veterinary services needed due to negligence or lack of care, will be the adopter's responsibility and payable to ____________.
[Again, with the drugs! A) I don't have to notify ANYONE if I'm moving, other than the utilities, the government and the post office. And more importantly, no one is just waltzing in and telling me they will be 'examining' my dog / house / world just because they want to. If I pay for a pet, the pet is my responsibility and the law will oversee that I adhere to humane treatment. Get. Stuffed. Would you like to know what I wash my panties in too?]
Section V - But, don't expect THEM to do anything
I understand that ____________ makes no guarantees or warranties regarding the health or temperament of this dog. ____________ advises that you immediately take your new dog to a qualified veterinarian for a complete physical examination. I promise and agree to be solely responsible for this animal, and to indemnify and hold harmless ____________ from any and all claims of liability for the conduct of this animal on or after the date of this adoption. This Release of Liability and Indemnification shall apply to all known, unknown and unanticipated damages resulting from my/our adoption, ownership or control of such animal.
[Of course not, because as clearly shown above, I'm the bad guy, not you. Nothing is YOUR fault, so why should you be held accountable? Niiiiice. I feel the need to rescue this puppy from YOU people.]
I will provide both routine and emergency care especially as the dog ages. This vet care will include annual examinations, necessary vaccinations, worming, if necessary, heartworm checks, and heartworm preventative and other care as directed by my veterinarian.
No adopted animals shall be used for breeding purposes. If not already altered, said dog must be spayed or neutered within 2 mos. of adoption or, by the time the dog reaches 8 mos. of age. (See accompanying sterilization contract, if applicable.)
I understand that I am adopting this dog for myself and if at anytime I can no longer keep it I must return the dog to ____________. I understand that if I sell or give this dog away, or if at any time the dog is no longer in my care a representative acting for ____________ has the right to remove the dog.
Health. If this dog has a known physical problem at time of adoption, the problem is listed as Addendum at the end of this contract. While ____________ makes every effort to offer and place only healthy animals, no guarantee can be or is made as to the health of any animal put up for adoption and ____________ shall not be held responsible for any medical expenses which may subsequently be incurred by the Adopter.
I hereby acknowledge that I have read and understand this Adoption Agreement and agree to abide by all of its rules and regulations set forth herein. I pledge that I will keep the dog described herein as a part of my family.
I HEREBY ACKNOWLEDGE THAT I HAVE READ AND UNDERSTAND THE ABOVE TERMS AND CONDITIONS AND WILL KEEP THE DOG DESCRIBED HEREIN AS A FAMILY MEMBER. I UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS A BINDING CONTRACT ENFORCEABLE BY CIVIL LAW.
Signature: _____________________ Date: _________/_________/__________
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I'd like to meet the brain who came up with those clauses and suggest they need to get treatement for the drug addition. I'm a private person, and by damn if the government isn't tracking me (although, as I've just sent a fax through to The Prime Minister to complain about income taxes, that may change.) then The Muck-Yucks ain't either!
Yeesh.
The things I do for a male that won't drive me completely up the walls!
edited to add: The Muck-Yucks couldnšt be bothered to contact me via email. They donšt post phone numbers either. Interestingly, they disappeared from Petfinder.com altogether after I started bombarding them for a response.
However, that doesnšt mean anything. I was a determined woman on a cause. I wanted a useless male in the house that was cute and fluffy... and going down to the Clarington Connections Animal Rescue adoption center, I found this little fella:
He came home with me in short order. And though hešs a massive cuddle-slut, one day Lucifer will sit at my side as we lay conquest to Hell.
Yeah.
February 27, 2004
~ Anya
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