We're the ones your mother warned your about...No, seriously. We are.

1. Put it back where you found it.
I'm not saying that you have to re-fold & replace. It would be nice, but let's not go crazy here. However - there's really no reason for me to walk through the newborn department and find an entire size 8 outfit, complete with socks, from the womens' department downstairs. If nothing else, just hand it to a register clerk - we've got go-back bins, it's all right. But the fact that I have spent forty five minutes of a shift just walking around the top level pulling clothing off displays because people had heaped underwear, bras, shoes, heavy woolen coats on top of them - that's just not right, people. In short, I ask you to use a very simple game that we all know : One of these things is not like the other. Stick with that philosophy, & make our lives simpler. Thanks.

2. I cannot make things magically appear.
If you snap your fingers at me, I'm going to ignore you. It's just. that. simple. If you walk up to me & say, "I need this in size four.", and I ask, "There were none out?" and you reply, "I don't know, I didn't check" - well then, I'm going to go in the back & take my damn sweet time getting it. Why? Because you pissed me off - that's why.
Likewise, if you are the person that checked the shelves first, don't get pissy with me when I ask if you looked - because the other 80% of the population that are idiots outnumber you, & until you show yourself to be smarter than them, I'm going to assume you aren't. If you don't like it, start teaching "How to shop using basic reasoning skills" at your local community college & combat the problem. Thanks.

3. Logic is your friend
If we have two registers in the Baby dept., and both of them are open, how many more registers can be opened? If your response was, "Why can't you just open another?" - you’re not allowed to come shop near me. Thank you for playing, go home now.

4. Please know at least survival English
I realize that this statement is not going to be a popular one, especially in the middle of Los Angeles. This is a diverse city with many different languages and cultures. I am aware that not everyone in LA was born in the United States, as well as the fact that we pull in a large and heavy tourist trade. One weekend, I actually ended up helping a family from France because I had heard their conversation, & after six years of French, answered them in kind. No problem! That's cool! I don't care what you speak at home, I really don't.

If you have a California drivers' license, I should think it would at the very least behoove you to have learned enough English to make a purchase in a store so that I don't have to converse with you by the proxy that is your child. I can't tell you how many sales I've negotiated via an eight-year-old.

5. Bar rules apply.
When we turn the music off - go the hell home! That’s the retail version of Last Call, & we’d like you to exit the store in the most expedient manner possible. When you float around for fifteen minutes or half an hour (or in the case of one group of people two days before Christmas, forty-five minutes) after the music is off, well, the employees are pretty much all standing there ‘cause we want to memorize what you look like in order to beat you up later. (Okay, not really beat you up. But you're still there, and we haven't even started folding yet! ::whine::)

6. Children’s department - yes. Jungle Gym? No.
If your kids aren’t supposed to climb the displays where you shop for your clothes, why is it acceptable for them to do it when you shop for theirs? Anyone? A small child playing peek a boo behind a rack of clothes - okay, yeah. That’s cute. When they start literally climbing the front display to stand up on it and jump around - that’s just not cool.

7. I have a name. And it is not “Snap girl!”
This one isn’t even mine. A co-worker of mine actually had someone walk up to her and say, “Um, Snap Girl! Snap Girl, I need you over here!”
I don’t expect you to know my name. After all, I don’t wear a name tag - I just have a little pin that says “Snap” on it. But really, “Excuse me, miss?” will work just fine. I promise.

8. Do we look like Denny’s?
Okay, let’s once again make the effort & engage brain here, kids. If going online has been proved time & time again as a bad activity under the choices of “Things to Do While Inebriated” (Which is a list I might actually make Sam compose one week) - what on the gods’ good green earth makes you think that shopping at the Snap would be a better idea?

It's Not Always Bad...