We're the ones your mother warned your about...No, seriously. We are.








Haiku Serial Killers & Why Not to Use the Handle Bigwood - Tales of an Internet Dating Monet.

Now, DarkLady wrote a little ditty of her own regarding online dating do's & don'ts, and I pretty much agree with what she said there, so I would simply like to add to that with a couple of points.
1. Do not use the name "bigwood" in your online handle. Ever. Anywhere.
'cause dude, you really don't want to know the jokes we made about you.
2. Having pictures of yourself up is good. Having pictures of yourself that are all you half out of a swimming pool where you look like you're trying to work for Abercrombie one day just screams "overcompensating".
If you're good looking, I'm gonna figure that out anyway. I don't need you to try to beat me over the head with the fact you have chest muscles. Besides, didn't you see what me & my friends think of Abercrombie?
3. White linen pants on a first date? Not. Very. Manly.
I realize this isn't entirely about profiles, but just a general tip for survival. Don't do it, boys, no matter what the girl in the clothing store on Melrose tells you.

Once the Era of the Haiku Boy had passed (btw - Era="three days of cynical amusement for me & my friends", just so we're clear), it was back to fielding the "winks" on match.com. A Wink is the online version of making eye contact with someone in a bar. If, after seeing their profile, you're still interested, you can buy them a drink (which in this case means you e-mail them), or pretend that you were just looking for the bathroom and never saw them in the first place. (trans. - "hit delete")

Couple of things that I have to say about this. Really, now, I've done my own search & sent out a Wink or two, but when I do this, I actually read the other person's profile. This, by the way, is a step that I highly recommend. Read. It's good for you. If my age range is 24 - 30, please don't ping me if you're a 37 year old. Why? I realize this sounds mean, but I've spent enough of my life acting ten years older than I am, and at this point in my life I have no desire to date someone that could according to biological technicalities be my parent. Right, wrong, mean-spirited or not, that's just the kind of shallow bitch I am. The thing to notice however, is that I told you I was a shallow bitch. See? Right there, in the profile, where I outlined my age range. Thank you, and move along now, nothing more to see here, thanks. For other tips, tricks & things you learn along the way, I turn to my cohorts in OnLine Dating, DarkLady & Anya. After all, we not only cover the Continental U.S., but by tossing Anya in, there's a whole International flavor too.
granted the international flavor is a little like syrup 'cause she's from Canada, but still! Flavor!

Claris :I have Closet B on the phone from Hawaii
Auto response from Darklady :: Am I around? Am I away? Only the shadow knows...
Claris : hee.
Darklady : say hi for me and tell her i hate her
Claris : she says Hi & She doesn't hate you. so she hopes you feel small & petty now for saying that, because she won't send you apostcard.
Darklady : she wasn't going to send me a postcard anyway, so i'm not gonna sweat that one
Claris : well she got my address to send me one...*griN*
Darklady : *snerk*
Claris : Acc. to match.com, my profile has been viewed 262 times. Seeing as how the ten or so guys that have answered have either a) never been heard from again or b) been kinda skeery...that's rather depressing..
Darklady : just realized there was homework for wed. night
Claris : ah. bummer.
Darklady : 262? damn. i think i'm only at 160-something
Claris : I have a higher population area. that also gives me a higher rejection ratio, so I wouldn't be too envious if I were you
Claris : plus, the ones that respond with "winks" always seem to never have photos. I'm suspicious of that.
Darklady : true
Darklady : yeah if i have a photo up there, you can do it too, pal.
Claris : exactly. I'm brave enough, you can ante up, hmm'kay, Quasimodo?
Claris : I'm jsut going to save these AIMs with you & Anya & do an online dating update, I swear.
Claris : I'm trying for the brighter side right now. not to worry, I'm sure the maudlin will return shortly.
Also, I have a headache.
Darklady : (5:40:58 PM): *pet* *pet*
Claris : (5:41:34 PM): thanks.

And then, the actual horror of...face to face contact!