We're the ones your mother warned your about...No, seriously. We are.

Mounting the bidding block...welcome to online dating.

In the last few weeks, I've had several conversations with people regarding dating, online dating, and the like. It's been a topic in & about my circle of friends as of late, as you might have guessed by the fact that DarkLady did an article on it in the last edition. Now, I'll be the first to admit that my social life, she ain't a ragin' lunatic. I'm not the type of girl looking for the whirly-gig whirlwind that truthfully, can be found here in LA by those with enough money and time. At the same time, I have no wish to hide in my oversized Hobbit-hole for the rest of my life. But the question is, where does one start? I mean, there's a starting point for everything, right? And who do you look for? While I'm not about to chuck it all and take up heavy makeup, alcohol and throwing myself at celebrities' security guards, I also don't think that the ideal would be what one person described to me as "somewhere out there is a guy with another Weimeraner that can go running with you". Granted, that person no doubt thought they were being noble and telling me the "right" thing, but um, yah. Not so much, you misguided goober. But you see my conundrum. I"m looking for a balance of something in between. Something that I can be happy with that won't set off my cynical little mind too much in terms of the "you're kidding me, right?" meter. It's a problem, I tell ya. How do you get access to the wide range of candidates that one would obviously have to make their way through until hitting it just right? This was my problem, and due to my inherent laziness, I'm going with the obvious solution

I've decided to give up, & whore myself out. (Yes, again. shut it.)

This time, it's to internet dating. It works, right? Sometimes, anyway. After all, SarahNicole is marrying the guy she met on match.com...a couple of ND.com-ers have had successful dates with people from online & lived to tell the tale. Okay, so someone offered to "dom" Anya, and DarkLady's gotten some scary-ass replies, but hey. At this point, if nothing else, it'll be damn fine entertainment for you people.

Which leaves the part where I go sign up. I've decided in the interest of keeping with my particular karma, I'd do the profile & put it active on April 1st. Kinda fits my life, and really? One should go with their strong points and skip merrily along the path of life. Or, you know, sigh and get out the mop again because Zoey's just tracked in dirt on your nice clean kitchen floor since she was running alongside you in the mud next to your path of life. Pick one the one that applies to you.

Hello, Match.com. Supposedly, this is where singles meet. Sometimes this is where singles meet freak-os, but I'm going to take a chance here & see if there are guys in L.A. without girlfriends/wives that are online looking for dates & not ducking the cops. (you laugh at that one because you don't live here, mm'kay? ;p)

First step - I've got a username.
No, I'm not telling you what it is.

No, seriously guys, I'm not telling you what it is.
Especially not you, Anya.

Relationship status....single, thanks. I love that there's one for married, by the way. is that for the people that want to have an affair with a married person? Do you like, go to Match.com saying, "Today, I'd like to be a money-grubbing homewrecker...ooh! 100 matches! Nifty!"

Age range...within that distance of my zip code...height is 5'10", or "way too freakin' tall for most clothing manufacturers", but they don't have a choice for that in the pull down menu....and I'm a Scorpio. Yes, you can show my sign, because if someone doesn't want to date me solely due to the fact that my birthday is between Halloween & Thanksgiving, I probably wouldn't like 'em anyway.

Eye color is blue according to the drivers' lisence that expires in November...give a hint about my hair color? Who came up with that question? It's hair color, not a game of Clue. "I'll take Mr. Blond in the Highlights Study with the foil for tinting! ah- ha!"
(for those of you that give a damn, I chose dark blond.)

Body art....fanged? Fanged is an option? Oh dear. Tattoos, artfully done branding, that's one thing. Piercing, even. But purposely getting fanged? Oh no. Oh hell no. And this is from a girl who gained a good majority of her friends off a posting board for Buffy the Vampire Slayer, so that should tell you something right there.

What's my best feature...shit, I don't know. My hands. Yeah, we'll go with that. That's nice & neutral & crap....

Skipping the optional questions...I'm not writing a book report on the last thing I read, sorry.

Right. I have dutifully described my humor (yes, not to worry, dry sarcasm was one of the boxes I checked), I have listed what sports & activities I enjoy. I've even managed to narrow down what kind of common interests I'd like to share with members. (Unsurprisingly, I passed on wine tasting & religious worship. Shocker.) So far, I'm doing okay, doin' good....although at least here, I can put down the Knicks as my favorite NBA team & not have to worry about being physically assaulted like I would have in Boston. (Okay, not as much...)

How often do I exercise....regularly, thanks. Not regularly enough, since my body type was "average/curvy", but I can make it up a flight of stairs without dying, so we'll call it a draw there.

I do not smoke...I am a social drinker (okay, that's an over stretch, I know, but the other option is "never" and I'm not that bad)...ah, job. See, here's where being a web designer is a funny category. Am I a creative? Am I technical? It's a quandry. In LA, being in the "artistic" category means that you're normally a half-starving creative waiting for their big break, which, while I have a BFA, I'm not. However, I'm not entirely a fluent IT geek, so do I totally fall into the "technical" category? Bugger. I'm going with "artistic" - they can be pleasantly surprised when I don't show up talking about how my agent thinks I should look at method acting classes or whatever. I dunno.
Current annual income..."Not. Enough." Sadly, this is the time of year when you do your taxes & go, "but if I made that much, why am I still broke? I don't get it." I'm doing my taxes on my own for the first time this year. Should be decent dinner theatre, I tell ya.

No children...might want someday...although, to be truthful, I should clarisfy about Zoey, but hey - that can always be a quirky story for later on that they can tell their friends, right? Sure. That's what we'll call it. ooh! Pets. Yes, I have a dog...fleas? They have fleas as a category for pets in your house? That must be for their Ozarkian demographic, right?

Ethnicity - I'm white. I'm damn white. I'm a tall white girl with dark blond hair & blue eyes that after almost two years in California, still doesn't have a tan. Let's be honest, 'cause really? unless my hair was platinum blond, it don't get whiter than me, and I admit that.

Religion - I remember I told Megdalen once that I was "with faith, but currently seeking denomination" - and look! They actually have a category for that, sort of. "Spiritual, but not religious". That'll work. Education is BFA, political affiliation liberal, so no applicants that are also members of Christians for Stronger Families, thanks....

For those of you that have done the match.com profile, yes, I'm skipping all the freeform answers - I'm not doing essays for this. It's a possible date, not my college entrance applications, and I'm sure I'll need all that literary creativity if I ever get my arse in gear & try for my Masters'.

Oh fuck. I think Match.com just crashed & burned while doing my profile...*sigh* But hey - at least by doing this article as I go, I've already got all of my answered logged for easy review if I have to do it all over again! woo hoo!

oops. I think the site's actually broken. It won't load the next part...bugger. Just one more sign that I'm meant to die alone & be eaten by wild dogs while my dog sits there & goes, "Hi! Wanna play!" to the wolves eating my lonely, pathetic, still dateless carcass.

Or it's possible they're just having server problems & I should try again when I get back to work in the morning.

Claris (7:11:04 PM): also? I think I crashed match.com. bugger.
Anya (7:16:23 PM): *lol* Profile is that volatile, huh?
Claris (7:17:07 PM): what can I say? I'm a hot chick with spice to spread around.
Either that, or they're scared already.
Claris (7:19:39 PM): ya know, it wouldn't kill you to pretend that it's the first option....
Anya (7:21:26 PM): Oh, it's totally the first option. Absolutely.
Have I told you I can bear a striking resemblance to a bear-skin on the floor...
Anya (7:21:30 PM): Lying like a rug...
Claris (7:22:27 PM): riight. and you're short, so much like the rug, you're close to the ground!

Second verse, same as the first, little bit louder and a little bit worse...