We're the ones your mother warned your about...No, seriously. We are.








Mounting the bidding block...welcome to online dating.

Sweet mother of fuck. My profile is like, broken or something. I had to make a new name & start all over. Hold on, lemme punch in what I had before...you know, if it's this difficult to sign up, I'm a little wary of what the actual dating portion entails...
You've got to be kidding me. It's stuck again. How the hell are you supposed to use this site if it won't load, I ask you? I'm on a G5 with a high speed connection - it's not like I'm chugging on a dial-up commodore 128.

Bugger all. That's it. I'm going to Kinko's & using their PCs to do this flippin' thing. I've tried on a G3, a G4, & a G5 on different platforms (never use this site in Netscape, by the way, it goes whooooooo! and doesn't work at all)....match.com, you are not Mac user friendly, you bastard site, you. It's not even about the possibility of a date at this point - now I just want to defeat the interface & finish my article!

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Ah, here we are at the beautiful Kinko's on Sunset, so that I can defeat this frickin' site & finish this damn article. Please note that at this point, it's gone beyond attempting to even get a date, I just want to meet my deadline, thankyouverymuch.

On that cheery note, we've hit the section "About My Date". Oh, with the mood I'm in after a 12 hour day at work, this should be fun....

Height..over 6 feet, I'd say. Nothing against the short guys, but I'm taller than most people I meet, I don't feel like towering above a date, thanks. Eyes...any color. I'm not gonna turn a boy down just 'cause he has brown eyes. Although, I do love that "colored contacts" is a choice. I feel like taking aside the person that checks that box & going, "Um, honey? You do realize that the contacts won't be on all the time, right?"

Ooh, and you can rank them in order of importance...Not Very, Somewhat, & Absolutely. I suppose that's key.

Hair...checking everything except Gray, Salt & Pepper, Platinum, and Indescribable. The first two mean that you're most likely out of my age range anyway, and the last - if you can't describe your hair, the only acceptable excuse I'll take is that you're a 250 year old vampire that can't see his reflection, & even then according to mythos you'd have a snarky sidekick to at least tell you enough to get by....

His faith...once again, we'll go with Spiritual but not religious...play it safe here, considering this is LA, & the Scientologists have a flippin' compound in Beverly Hills.

What languages should he speak? In this town, if he's got fluent English, that's a plus. We're gonna check "Absolutely" in order of importance for that one, thanks.

Profession...any. It really doesn't bother me what people do as long as it doesn't involve animal porn or mass slaughter. Although, actually, mass slaughter might make for a really quirky first date, don'cha think?

Smoker...meh, I prefer Non, but I can deal with Occasionally.

Should he have kids...I'd say no, thanks. I've got my hands full with a dog at this point in my life. And yes, I realize that makes me sound rather selfish & shallow, but ya know what? Sometimes, I just really really am. *grin*

Okay, who made this next part? It's titled "Confess, tiger...what turns you on?" If there was ever a doubt as to the seriousness of this whole exercise, that one right there pretty much screwed the pooch. And yes, I realize I could tell you my answers, but the human mind is capable of so much more when given only the barest perameters to work with, so just think of this as me letting your imagination grow...but I will admit that "Sarcasm" was marked a good thing.

My idea of the ultimate date...the choices are:

  • Cozy
    A cappuccino and fat-free latte, the scent of cinnamon and freshly baked scones echoing my warm fuzzy feeling
  • Sensual
    A decadent dinner so good we could eat it with our bare hands, both of us satisfied but eager to see the dessert tray
  • Raw
    Blissful pain of the tattoo needle, my name in barbed wire on your bicep to match your name emblazoned on my chest
  • Fun
    Boot scootin' across gritty floorboards, the band playing what we'll soon remember as "our song"
  • Indulgent
    Carefree shopping spree, indulging our boutique desires and department store fantasies, too many packages preventing us from holding hands
  • Thrilling
    Clinging for our lives to an impossibly flat rock face, our climbing ropes dangerously yet romantically intertwined
  • Hot
    Commanding the dance floor, a sea of sweaty bodies illuminated by strobe lights while we gyrate to pounding rhythms
  • Edgy
    Exciting highway jaunt at 95mph, screaming expletives at other drivers who dare to swerve into our path
  • Relaxed
    Quiet cuisine shared in the unequalled comfort of home and served by the best chef in town ‹ me
  • Revealing
    Reciprocal psychoanalysis, the box of tissues at our side soon depleted as we both reveal our wounded inner children
  • Casual
    Refreshingly funny conversation over soup and sandwiches, sharing a smile before we return to work for the afternoon
  • Intimate
    Sensual stroll along the beach, the sunset reflected in our eyes as we hold hands and enjoy the tide
  • Stimulating
    Thoughtful observations on art and culture, stopping for a few precious moments to enjoy cocoa at the museum's cafe
  • Hilarious
    Uncontrollable laughter segueing into embarrassingly loud snorting... Who knew we'd have so much in common?

    Okay, I'm sorry. Was the person that wrote these high at the time? 'cause really, for some of them, that's the only reasoning I can come up with...reciprocal psychoanalysis? are they on crack? It's a date....

    Crap. We've come to the part with the picture. Ah ha...long live Polgara's ten jillion photos of Bronzers....there's one from the last LA weekend that should do just fine, as long as I cut out Dao. No offense to Dao, I just don't think she wants to be on my dating profile.

    Oh god - in 2000 characters, describe yourself & who you'd like to date. Craaaaap. Ah, well, here goes.

    I could tell you about how I'm nice, & sweet, & fun to be around, but really? That'd pretty much be a load of crap. It's not that I'm killing small animals for fun in my spare time, but the truth is, I'm absent-minded and kinda messy. I have been known to make the odd inappropriately wry comment, & can cause trouble simply with a raised eyebrow at the one second that you're trying very very hard to be completely serious. My brain is a devious, devious thing. I'm not very good at glamour, & due to the fact that I've got a runt Weimeraner with eighty pounds of energy in a fifty pound frame, white's probably not the best idea for a first date if we're stopping at my house. I tend to become engrossed in what I'm working on, & it's entirely possible you might show up for a date & find me with different grades of pencils in my hair 'cause I thought of how to fix whatever I'm working on at the moment. After almost two years in LA, I can honestly say that while I didn't move here for Hollywood, I keep ending up with jobs & job offers there, which has its own irony. In fact, my world is just. plain. wacky. You want to talk about a life motto? Mine is "I can't make this shit up, thanks." I don't go looking for oddities, they just always seem to know where I am. I turned down the job offer that turned out to include animal porn, though, 'cause really? Boundaries, they exist. Yes, even in this town. I'm a big geek, but after 24 years of being a big geek, I've rather accepted this & now I've learned to just roll with that. It's possible I read too much, but that would depend on your definition of "too much", now wouldn't it? If I don't bring a list, I forget what I went to the grocery store to buy because the part of my brain that should store practical information is instead filled with far too many random facts about inane trivia and pop culture. However, if after all this, you're still interested, coffee might not be a bad idea.

    Check that shit out - acc. to the counter on the site, I did that with 42 characters remaining. Go me! Finish line is right...
    ...bugger. "Now come up with a catchy line to attract dates." Riiiight. Sometimes, working in advertising can be a plus. It's a tag line. I just need to make up my own. Personal. Tag line.....

    Hrm.

    "H! ......Okay, now it's your turn."

    See? This is the creative genius that earns me a paycheck every week. No, for real.
    (Please also note that I never said it was a good paycheck, or that they're paying me to write, which really? They don't, so it all rather works out.)

    The only thing left is to bring myself "active" by submitting my profile for the "Member Spotlight". Sure, let's go for it. No day like April Fool's Eve to start looking for a date online in Los Angeles. So we've hit enter, & I've just loosed myself on the online dating circuit for the amusement of you, the readers.

    My sad little life, your comic relief. Happy April Fools' Day, guys.

    It's part & parcel, the whole Claris gig - phenomenal COSMIC POWER - veeeeery leetle romance.
    (Yes, I realize I just stole from Robin William's schtick from Aladdin, but I'm working with what I got, & what I got is comedy.)
    ~ Claris in conversation with OzLady

    ~ Claris
    April 1st, 2004

  • ~ Claris' Archive
    claris@nodignity.com