We're the ones your mother warned your about...No, seriously. We are.

I am a presence in the night, a silent shadow that moves amongst you, folding clothing in large retail stores when you turn your back and creating magical jumping pills in Flash for nutritional supplements. A member of a fellowship formerly known as The Bronze, I have survived flame wars, strife, three years without sleep, and various moments of inadvertent porn to get a degree. After these trials and tribulations, my circle of kindred has been whittled to a small but hearty band of trusty companions, bonded together by naught but an obsession with pop culture and in some cases, sparkly boy lurvin'. (*sigh* That one kinda scares me.) In my continuing quest for a some semblance of a life, I am joined by my faithful four-legged companion, Zoey, whose undying devotion to me may or may not have caused her to once inadvertently launch herself off Anya's head one morning. *cough* Mine is a noble cause - to make sure that everyone has to live up to the fact that life is, in essence, so freakin' weird that if you don't sit back and laugh at it, you're not doing it right. It is in pursuit of this that I have recruited Sam & Robyn as my minions and begun this site to bring to you, our reader, the sweet, sweet madness that is our world.

I am.......the girl that just opened up a pack of Starburst to find three strawberry ones in a row! Woo!


Yah, I can drive.
~ Claris

The fun and profit to be found in being a chick that drives stick.
As a valet, ya big bunch o' pervs. Yes, YOU.

  • Park A Car, Oust an Asshole.
    ~ Claris

    Why Michael Moore made voting worth $1700 for me.
    We Can Detain You, You Know.

  • So You Wanna Be A Rock Superstar...
    ~ Claris

    How answering the wrong craigslist ad had Claris auditioning for a record label.
    I swear, this is a completely logical path of events. Totally.

  • The Nine Dollar IKEA Lamp.
    ~ Claris

    IKEA is insidiously bent on world domination through furniture.
    Those deceptively friendly Swedes forced their way into my house...

  • Are you bleeding? Are you broken? Are you dead?
    ~ Claris

    Notes from a bi-coastal gym rat.
    I did it! And I did not die! This is progress!

  • Because I can bench press you, that's why.
    ~ Claris

    (tips tricks for general gym survival)
    Hi, I work here for a reason.

  • Street Cred
    ~ Claris

    the Ins, Outs, & What Abouts...
    I moved across the country, & the video reel at the gym is still the same.

  • I'm tired of being treated like chattel.
    ~ Claris

    Welcome to The Grove, now shut up.
    I'm not just a disgruntled patron, I'm a reporter!

  • Haiku Serial Killers & Why Not to Use the Handle Bigwood - Tales of an Internet Dating Monet.
    ~ Claris

    If I can put my photo up, so can you, Quasimodo.
    What? You guys asked how it was going...

  • Mounting the bidding block...welcome to online dating.
    ~ Claris

    No, shut up, I can totally do this.
    It's part & parcel, the whole Claris gig...


  • Fuck the Code. Be a Pirate. ~ Claris
    The second ramble from that plane ride.
    The things that come to mind a couple thousand feet over Vermont...

  • Three hours to kill with a sane/psycho supergoddess..
    ~ Claris
    Liz Phair & Evanesence help Claris pass the time...
    This article brought to you by paranoia over airport security...

  • The NoDignity.com Holiday Album
    ~ Zoey and Claris
    98 cents at Target + camera + Claris' twisted brain = Zoey's day from Hell.
    Why, Mommy, why?

  • An anecdote a day....
    ~ Claris
    Life is a funny thing.
    No, for real!

  • It's not "soft porn" - it's "merchandising"
    ~ Claris, PDR & Godeater
    Has anyone else seen Abercrombie & Fitch lately?
    Uh... You didn't happen to direct me to a porn site, didja?

  • La La Land - A Year and A Bit in L.A.
    ~ Claris
    Why did I move cross country?
    Why the hell not?

  • From a Life Less Noticed to Heavier Things
    ~ Claris
    John Mayer's got a new CD.
    What happens when the loner becomes a rock star?

  • Today should not be about what it will be used for.
    ~ Claris
    Shove your bumper sticker up your ass.
    I don't need you to tell me what not to forget.

  • I gave an assignment. Some people completed it. Others - not so much
    ~ Claris' 100 list....
    The Mission : 100 things about you.
    It's like peeking in the window, without being arrested.....

  • Damn you Frencesco Rinaldi, damn you to hell.
    ~ Claris
    Claris experiments with cooking.
    Maybe I should go back to the "will reward man who can cook with sexual favors" plan....

  • Five days, 3,000 miles, and Dead Man's Curve - Who Says You Can't Make a KIA can't do that?
    ~ Claris
    Claris drives cross country with nothing but her thoughts to keep her company.
    To my credit - every state I drove through is still there.. more or less.

  • Our First Interview! Chris Golden risks answering our questions.
    ~ Claris & Sam
    Domino's Pizza, how to crash your mom's car, and Buffy vs. Batman. Oh yeah - He's got a new book too..
    Little Golden Books.....

  • Where is your auction money really going?
    ~ Claris
    (a.k.a. Why Fox Sucks Ass) - updated..
    Poor, poor little network....

  • Once upon a time, I borrowed Frank the Snake from Mutant Enemy...
    ~ Claris
    No, that's not the punchline. That's the actual story..
    All right! Who got the Snake drunk & dressed him in purple underwear?

  • No, we're going to the other cool place in town. Of course we're going to the Bronze.
    ~ Claris
    You had to be there to get it. But I can give you my take..
    Have you licked Buddha's belly?

  • Sometimes, it's like Hell. But with more stripes.
    ~ Claris
    I was having a rather bad day at work, you see.......
    Fall into it...

  • 2002

  • So how much does HBO pay its whores, anyway?
    The Wild West - Hollywood style. Welcome to the world of corsets, naked scenes, and SAG cards during my three days on the set of Deadwood.

  • Tara's dead - get over it.
    People, this ain't the first time we've had a Sacrificial Jesse, okay? But most importantly - It's. Not. Real.
    (Plus, I think those banners were giving Glark a nervous breakdown)
    D-E-D dead!


  • The Body
    Buffy's mom died. It kicked ass. Therefore, I went to work & waxed poetic.
    No, really!