Our sad little lives, your comic relief.

Sam had this conundrum. So he did what every boy with good friends does - he came & whined. And we, being the caring, balanced individuals that we are, did what we do - we confused him even more & amused ourselves at his expense. Except for newfan, who gave us very very good advice. Because that's what she does. Except that in the end, we still didn't solve his problem. *grin*
(And for once, I can't be blamed for it - I wasn't even online for this one!)

Women are a problem.
That is all.

- Psycho Sam

Sam shhh. Don't let them know that we know, they'll change their tactics.
- Mr. Whyt

Whyt: At this point, changing their tactics couldn't hurt my luck or my chances. Zero divided by anything is still zero.
Sigh again. Etc.

- Psycho Sam

Psycho Sam: *patpat* Women are easy, silly boy. You must be loving, sensitive, and utterly infatuated with us - yet never obsequious. You must be strong and able to take charge if we need you - yet you need to acknowledge at all times that we are self-sufficient and will never need you. You must let us make most of the decisions - yet be able to quickly make one if we ask. Even if it's about shoes. You may never take 30 minutes in the bathroom with a newspaper - but you must never appear impatient when we take a long time to get ready. Don't bring pizza home when we are trying to diet - but don't say we shouldn't have pizza if it's our idea. You need to know the right answer to: "Does this outfit make me look fat?" - but don't patronize us. Get along with our mothers but don't invite your mother over. Let us pick our own engagement rings but have a cool way of proposing. Sports-watching is acceptable in small doses. Ditto action-movies. There is no channel surfing when we are watching something - even during the commercials. Know how to dance. Know how to drive. Have a clean car. Offer us a drawer in your dresser. Don't admire other women. Don't be jealous. Don't have a lout for a best friend. Know how to give a good backrub. Understand the location and purpose of the clitoris. Don't expect too many blowjobs and be damn grateful when you get one. Don't act like your car stereo is more important than us. Know what our favorite food/restaurant/song/kind of jewelry are. You cannot say we are beautiful often enough. Especially when we are naked. Don't snore. Love our pets. Like our friends and get along with our friends' husbands. Plan surprises for us. Understand PMS. Be able to buy tampons if asked. Never ever have sex with us for our first time without making sure about birth control. Also the first time should not be in the car, in your parents house, or on the grass or sand. Don't be cheap. Remember anniversaries. Don't pout. I so need to say that again: Don't pout. Don't throw your clothes on the floor. Know how to cook. Know how to do laundry. Don't miss the toilet when you pee at night. Don't compare us to an ex unless it is favorably. Don't compare us to your mother no matter what. We get to pick where we spend our holidays. Don't be passive-aggressive. Be respectful at all times, even when mad. Don't flinch when we talk about weddings or babies. Oh yeah, don't pout.

That'll do for a start. Let me know how it goes.

- newfan

newfan: I have read your instructions. And upon considerable thought... I wish I was gay. Men are so much easier to figure out.
- Psycho Sam

"Men are so much easier to figure out"

- Narrator

Psycho Sam -
Everything newfan said, but with the addendum that all those things are good ways to keep a woman, and are mildly laudable when trying to find one. Alas, I have no further suggestions on how to get someone to go out with you in the first place. I have had varying degrees of success with red wine and Buffy videos in the past, but frankly I think it's all down to the random vaguaries of chance.
Given my recent lack of any success, I'm thinking of branching into kidnapping and blackmail - I'll let you know if I have any more luck.


I second Narrator's rolling fits of laughter. I would post more on this but the laughing keeps getting in the way.
- Vanessa

Sam, PDR ignore newfan. If you'll wash the dishes after I cook dinner and take the garbage out, you're hired. yes, I would be what we call "low maintenance."
- DarkLady

Narrator, Vanessa, Xanderella: No, men really are easy to understand. The problem is that women keep looking for hidden meanings or layers or so forth, like you'd find in dealing with other women (see newfan's list.)
That's what throws you. Because with us, hard as it may be to believe, it really is that simple. We like sex, sports, explosions, food, and sleep. Any action we undertake really is capable of being boiled down to an attempt to achieve one of those things, or some combination thereof. If you're looking for subtext, you're already headed in the wrong direction.
I swear, life would be so much simpler if we just reproduced by mitosis.

- Psycho Sam

Psycho Sam - Damn it'd be boring though.
To be honest, if we did reproduce by mitosis we'd still make that complicated. There'd be 'it didn't invite me to it's mitosis event!' arguments, and 'oh my God, I can't believe I came to a party looking exactly identical to it' woes.


~ October, 2002
What? You thought we were going to solve his problem? *snort*
~ Madness of the Past....