Our sad little lives, your comic relief.


I just wasted a rather astonishing amount of time reading quotes. Claris is in big trouble.
- Sarah

That way the food is simple, but I can still gather with loved ones and have everyone tell me how pretty I look, and keep counting the minutes til I can slip away and go have wild monkey sex with my husband.
- Megdalen
Wooooo Meg! Congratulations on impending wild conjugal monkey sex!
- Robyn TSH

Which is why she's going to hang out with me that night. 'cause, really, is anyone more relaxing than me? *cough*
- Claris
Well, I wasn't using the English definition of relax. I think in Swahili it means "talking incessantly and playing with the dog"
- DarkLady
Back me up here, Darklady. 'cause the only thing more relaxing than a night with you & I is throwing Zoey into the mix......
- Claris
right. And if we can find a spastic ferret and throw in a tornado, it would be a complete evening...
- DarkLady

I mean, I make a spectacularly unattractive lesbian.
- Golden

Yes. I canna think of 100 things about me, but I can selectively bold my memories of the 80s...
- Sarah Nicole

I would also like to protest the scheduling of such an event when I'm still on the edge hormonally.
- KitCat

I'm starting to doubt the wisdom of going anywhere in public with you.
- DarkLady
Psh Tosh!
Where's your sense of adventure?

- Claris
And here I'm thinking I need to be seen in public more with her. I need the adventure.
- KitCat

Clearly, though, they want you to have bigger boobs to catch the cottage cheese with.
- Leather Jacket

I'm catching bats! I'm not doing it to be cool, I'm doing it for science. But everyone is going to think I'm cool! I'm catching bats!
- Mr. Mathy

In some horrible former life, my house was attacked by the design concept of using mirrors to make the place look bigger.......I'd like to undo the damage and free my fireplace from the disco era.
- 'stina

My Grandfather is on board, my mother is on board, and soon... my Dad will think it's his own idea.
Because, I am the Queen of manipulating my family.
All bow before me.

- Anya

And he also has an issue with women, and thinks that we exist to shoot down his ideas and don't ever support anything. That's true, of course, - because he's stupid and his ideas suck. But we WOULD support him, if that weren't the case.
- willa

Why yes, I have been scheming about this. Thank you for noticing.
- Dao Jones

Claris So what you're saying is, when eating or drinking around you, one must be prepared to either spit or swallow? (That was crass. Crass and INAPPROPRIATE). I could just delete that comment and avoid being crass. But I'm a lazy hole.
Sadly, that's the closest thing I've had to a good offer in a while, so thanks.
- Claris

It took me a while to notice you weren't talking about descaling kittens.
- Rachie
Well how would you descale a kitten anway?
- Amish Boy
I was hoping you were going to tell me.
- Rachie
Well I guess we would start by attaching the scales first. This might be a problem.
- Amish Boy
Oh I'm not so sure it would be that difficult - remember that japanese cat costume site?
- Rachie
Use a stapler.
- Narrator
So we staple a fish costume to the kitten. Right, okay, that's the kitten scaled. Now, how do you descale a kitten?
- Amish Boy
Silly Boy. Use a crowbar.
- Narrator
And there we have it. Apply some thought and any problem can be over come.
- Amish Boy

Re the rugby thing: Every man proves his manhood in his own way... I'll stick to piling on too much wasabi at the sushi bar.
- Kansas

I have a strange pain/pressure behind my left eye. I think that probably means we are indeed getting a thunderstorm today, despite the fact that it is currently sunny and clear. Either that, or I'm about to have an aneurism. Or a baby alien is about to erupt out of my face. Or something.
- Chrissy

Our cat's big. But not THAT big for chrissake...
- clarrie
Ah, but has it been descaled?
- Amish Boy
It ate the crowbar.
- clarrie

She may have been bigger, but I'm faster and have access to a Louisville Slugger.
- moppety

My brain feels extra tiny today...
- Sarah Nicole

Important Safety Tip: Hysterical cell phone messages and moving walkways should not be mixed.
- Dark Lady

I reckon this means I'll actually have to do some work and exercise some discipline. I'm sure this will happen any day now. Yeah.
- Dao Jones

I have no actual advice.

- Suzanne

Married life is almost exactly like living in sin! Except that now I get to say "... because I'm your WIFE!"
- kim!

Back to work now. Places to go, people to smite see.
- CB's Boy

Megdalen: I'm getting married on October 25th
Little Sister: Wow, that's quick!
Megdalen: Yeah, well when you're not having sex, you want a short engagement.

There's a ticket reserved for you if you want it.
If you don't, then stuff you, I'll hunt you down and shave swear words into your kittens fur.

- TMorel
I think thats gonna be my new catch phrase.
- Mr. Whyt
I guess that's much better than shaving swear words into some other fur! (No, I didn't type that! Some other person did!)
- EverDawn
The big PBFP one is August 22nd-24th which is WAY too close... I've still got to get the decorations/confirm the menu/ban meteor/Buy a razor for Catrionas kitten
- TMorel

My new place is awesome though, and I have never lived in a loft before. The neighborhood is what I would generously call sketchy, but I am happy to be participating in my own little urban renewal effort. That, and the rent is good.
- cbbro
It's way sketchy. I want you to promise that you'll drive your car/bike into the locked gate and go straight to the apartment. Promise! Here in this public forum so I can hold you to it. Do not attempt to walk to the KFC. Don't look anyone in the eye. Remember what we talked about? The part where you are small, white, and tidy? Don't forget that. The Raiders bar is probably not for you.
- willa

none of them were worthy of you, and half of them were struggling with their homoerotic attraction to their best friend.
- kagey

I have an itchie delete finger and I'm not afraid to use it!
- KitCat

That girl needs to start dressing appropriately. And keeping a warm sweater at her desk. And, you know, not being a WHINEY BITCH.
It would seem I have issues ;)

- Chrissy
I am available for hire as a human space heater. you can hire me to stand by her desk and make the surrounding air 10 degrees hotter than the rest of the building. Buy me booze to go with it, and I might be able to crank it up to 15 degrees, and, as a bonus, I'll get insulting as I get warmer. Spicy chicken curry might also work to increase heat.
- Curgoth

Heavens! I can't belive that there's a website out there where you can access pornography within a few mouse clicks! That must be brand new! Sheesh. People annoy me.
- Closet B

As long as it's consensual and everyone's of legal age, have fun and don't tell me about it because I'll probably just get jealous.
- DarkLady

Okay people, I'm about to try to change my computer's main processor chip. If you never hear from me again it's because I've A) electrocuted myself, 2) burnt myself to death, iii) poured coffee over the motherboard or 4) lost the plot and taken a hammer to the machine.
(Hint, if you are betting people, go for 4.)

- Amish Boy

In New Mexico stop lots of relaxation so far stop grandmother showed up yesterday stop my mother hasn't killed her yet stop I anticipate some blow up between them soon stop
- 'stina's family vacation

I am back! I haven't slept in, like, two weeks and may very well be suffering from sun-induced dementia and I had potato chips for breakfast, but I'm here!
- eiddy

Those ants that were bothering me?
Are now all over the ground floor of our house.
I am going out to buy some really strong poison in a minute.
And some even stronger vodka.

- Seska

Anya:Uh huh. Hey, found my 1999 PBP tags. Should I keep them as a memento to show my children. "Mommy was even LOONIER before. See? She used to work with this bunch of arrogant chauvenistic and stupid men on a charity event from hell that she always came home from sick."
Claris: eh, keep 'em. you never know when you'll need to falsify evidence in someone's death

yes, I realize I'm online and could thus look it up but alas I'm just that lazy
- KitCat

Um. Hold on. The super geek patrol just came to the door. They want to welcome me to their secret club. Gotta go learn the handshake!
- amberlynne

Well then I've shot my wad.
minds OUT of the gutter people, I am not MrWhyt

- Paksenarrion

Not much to say about work, only this:
One of these days I'm going to makes those bitches cry by the time they leave the store.
Fear my final day at work if it ever comes.

- Sachiel on the joy of retail

Christ on a crutch! I fucking hated Peter Pan!
- Leah

so, I bid you aiediu, as I go to Home Depot to meet my Destiny - the part relating to Cat Condos - and may the Gods be with me on my quest!
- Bastion
i wish you success and all ten fingers at the end. :)
- Mabb

I am weary. I think my sanity got up on a kitchen chair, unlatched the back door to my mind and is currently running loose in the neighborhood. So, I'm going home.
- Narrator
It's probably right over at the old school they converted into a Senior Center, Narrator. With any luck, the cops won't make you go through Social Services to get it back. Look pathetic, and open your eyes really big  as you're crying. Also? Cleavage never hurts.
- Xanderella

Oh sure, put my comment on the Quotes Page (We have a Quotes Page?)
- Narrator
Where have you been? Sure we have one. You're in it a bunch, actually......
- Claris
Ah, THAT Quotes Page. Hey, I was witty once (sort of).
- Narrator

Hi, hi, Mr Lee? Ang? Yeah, you, you over there with the 'comics aren't just for kids any more!' t-shirt and the film studies degree, yeah you. Give me back my fiver you overrated pretentious toss. And also two hours of my life.
- Clarrie

I play with hardware!
- Mr. Rocket Science Guy

I know my Father will endorse this concept. Evil doesn't come from nowhere. It needs an example and careful nurturing.
- Anya

I'm on AIM. One of my friends is plotting murder and making me pick weaponry for her to buy as my birthday present, & another is having a torrid fling that might be more. Who needs soap operas, I ask you?
- Claris

Dude. It was the most Jonny Depp performance I've ever seen Jonny Depp give. I stand by my assertion that he probably had to be shot with tranquiliser darts at the end of each days shooting to make him stop.
- clarrie

Just got back from France. Was maimed by Buddha statue. Was marched round Monaco in 38oC heat. Had to be around the French. Love my house. Love it.
- Catriona

Fuck me backwards I'm engaged.
- clarrie
Sadly, none of us can fulfill the first part anymore, 'cause of the second.
- Claris

I have many powers, but I cannot stop Anya
- DarkLady & Claris in unison

Dammit. Am not done with two-week scrolling, but must sleep. Also? I am deeply, deeply disturbed by the number of times I appear on the latest quote page. Bless us and save us all.
- Catriona

July 17, 2003