Our sad little lives, your comic relief.


It's amazing how many of those things were probably written and/or filmed whilst on pot, is all I'm saying.
- Closet B

Sometimes, I really think the story of my life is just a bunch of odd anecdotes that sometimes end up in chronological order.
- Claris

Must... maintain... illusion... of complete... innocence...
- Seska

Fuckers, fuckers, one and all. Don't take it personally. They might just be having a bad day. Or they might be assholes. Who knows? Either way, it's not at all your fault.
- Catriona

I am way cuter than her. So maybe I'm not the bigger person, but at least I didn't say it to her face.
- KitCat

If it wasn't for the YoYo Ma playing Bach's Prelude 1.1 that's on repeat in my headphones, it's quite possible I'd be forced to snap & go all Jerry McQuire in the middle of my office. Except I don't have a briefcase, & there's no cute guy from Accounting for me to take with me when I walk out.
- Claris

Evil Boss - Fuck you.
Bastards who blew up the UN - Fuck you.
Ass clowns who put out the new virus. - Fuck you.
People who are yelling at me for sending them the virus, even though, as I've patiently explained, my computer is NOT infected, and e-mails "from me" are actually being generated by someone else's infected computer - Fuck you. (Unless you're a Bronzer)

It sounds like you're going to be quite busy fucking. Are you sure you're up to it?
- Cosmic Bob

Xanderellie-spawnC started pre-school today.
I'm going to go clean my house, feel sorry for myself, then marvel at all the time I still have left. I have 2.5 hours from now, before I collect Xanderellie-spawnC and Xanderellie-spawnJ at school. I'll have four hours of free time--twice a week. That's 8 hours. All by myself!!! I may end up ruling the bloody world.
Or maybe I'll watch TV.
(I want my baby back.)

- Xanderella
Xanderella - Xanderellie-spawnC is now probably no longer the youngest, and the lowest in a three person pecking order. He'll be unstoppable by this afternoon. And the nursery will possibily have been organised into an audacious escape to victory bust out. Possibly.
Um, wow. That was actually not at all comforting

- Clarrie

well, you gotta figure if a woman has an associates' in Early Childhood Development as her highest tertiary education, has had, what? seven finaces in the company, and is somehow in charge of a Reliability Engineering Dept, she must be pretty good at putting up with painful situations and pretending she liked it.
Just sayin'

- Claris on hearing news of one of my former bosses...

RTBS - (Who just broke his own string of consecutive days of continued existance.)
- RTBS, closing a post.

Claris: *grin* Okay. Has Chrissy ever told you the "putting through" analogy?
Godeater: No. Well, maybe. But Chrissy has told me so much stuff over the years, I've pretty much forgotten most of it.
Claris: Heh. We were joking once that Anya plays golf to relax (though who the hell knows why - useless game) and you have sex. Sex is your golf.
Claris: Chrissy was a little drunk (no, true story!) and I was a bit sleep deprived, so it was utterly hilarious at the time.
Godeater: The analogy is amusing, though breaks down when my golf is a team sport, and I have 3 holes to shoot for. And I rarely wear plaid pants.
Claris: Hah!
Godeater: I'm just sayin, is all. Ya know.
Godeater: *cough*
Godeater: *sigh*
Godeater: Okay, I wore plaid pants once during sex.
Godeater: Only the one time. And I was really drunk.
Claris: Well since you're taking it so well. I shall tell you the rest.
Godeater: You mean...there's MORE??
Claris: I said that as much as I do love you (in a Bronzer way), I don't think I'd sleep with you, 'cause the egotist in me would like to think that to the person I'm with, I'm more of a tournament event, & less....putting through.
Godeater: *snerk*
Godeater: Hey, I give my all no matter what course I'm playing on. I pride myself on it!

Significant others are welcome, but give me a holler iffn you're bringing your love chimp witcha, I might need to get a bigger table.
- Allyson

Ya know, between the two of us, we really could take over the world if we felt like it.
- Claris
Wait... aren't we already working on that? I thought that was the current objective!
- Anya

PS Britney, if you're trying to get back at your ex, nothing says petty revenge like making the world think you're fucking one of his other best friends. They could be like souvenir glasses from Burger King. Collect the whole set. I'm just saying.
- Kristen

I used to own a brain, but it went away. I really must find it before Tuesday morning, when my classes start...
- SarahNicole

Wow, I just read a lot of... stuff.
You're all wonderfully crazy.


From the Desk of RTBS
DATE: August 27, 2003
TO: Ass Clowns of the The World
FROM: Ruffy
See subject line. Please call me at your earliest convenience to discuss best practices for removing you from the circus that is my life. Thank you.

Why is Ruffy sending a memo to my bosses?
- Narrator

Since I haven't bitched about my job in, oh, about a week now, I'd better get at it.
- Cate

Claris :I have two hours left at work today.
I've done...maybe and hour of actual work?
PDR : Just readin' the Camp
You've also thrown God knows how many working days into turmoil.....

I don't often meet people while discussing Claris feeling herself up, but hey, this IS California.
- CB Bro

I hate the National Grid.
Ah, how nostalgic I am about the days when I was complaining about the heat.
Last week.

- Seska
I can explain the UK power outage. Karma. It's to make up for the Bank Holidays. See, here in the US we may not have bank holidays, but at least our power grid never ...
Oh, nevermind.

- Narrator

I got the new, 'not taped off the telly' Wicker Man soundtrack CD for my birthday. If - as it almost inevitably will - Saturday ends in human sacrifice on grand scale we'll have the tunes....
- clarrie

i couldn't believe something that color was actually moving without a hand up its ass. freaky.
- Polgara

Death threats are usually not part of the order process, but I will add them to "additional delivery instructions".
- Carrie, Chrissy's Cookie crack dealer

Is this where the 12 year olds gather? Excellent.
- Narrator

There are suspects. It's a short list. I'll find you.
Oh yes, I'll find you.
(The afformentioned entry is not to be considered a threat, but more of a promise, or at least, a goal. Considering the authors lack of resolve in such matters, your idenity will most likely remain secret, unless you come foward and admit to the accusation. He humbley requests you do so, privetly, if you're all shy and shit.)

- godeater

Okay I just found Claris' Quotes page! I'm now in pain. Remind me to stop laughing soon
Also I found me! Okay so it was me without grammer or sentence structure or even sense, but it's the thought that counts - Michael Vartan - Naked - With or without a hammer.
There is no wrong here

- Jipsy Girl

And then I had the brief thought that maybe we shouldn't get her anything cuz she might get the idea that she'll get gifts every time she loses a body part.
- Ogre

PDR: It will. I have absolute faith that you'll work it out.
PDR: And that people will flock to your practice, if only to have those funky sucker balls stuck on their back. ;-)
Dao Jones: heee
Dao Jones: not if I call them "sucker balls"
PDR: You might have a point...
I guess that's my plan to be appointed chief of advertising in ruins, huh?

and yet how much better is that than calling them "ball suckers" -- which would be how I read it the first time...

- Lumin
... THAT might bring in all KINDS of new business!
Just not, you know, the kind our Dao *wants*... ;)

- Chrissy
But wouldn't they be painful attached there? *grin*
- Lumin
I had a whole explanatory post that would have me sent straight to hell.
- 'stina

Lawyer breast day is on Friday, so you guys may want to put off your pressing legal needs until after the weekend.
- 'stina

How many ten kinds of dumb do you have to be to have very loud sex in your car at 10:30 p.m. on an evening where the sound of a mouse farting would carry for three miles? It's not like Mrs. McFuck was home. GO INSIDE. And if it was your kinky fantasy to do it in the car (which I have no problem with) it's not like you couldn't just drive out of town three miles and find some deserted gravel road. Why must I constantly live in paranoid fear due to my neighbors stupidity?

And speaking of stupidity... that Ass Clown who wrote the lovsan virus version "d" - I'm going to find you. I'm going to find you and you and I are going to have a "Come to Jesus" meeting. I'll invite my friends Mr. Pliers and Mr. Blowtorch. It'll be fun. Promise.


I'm trying to write this article, and I spent an hour yesterday trying to persuade Word that I wasn't American, and wanted to spell things like a Brit. I then gave up on writing anything.

Tea is all that gets me through the day, some days. Mainly because I can't drink vodka when I'm in charge of teenagers.
- Seska

There's no point in me saying that I wish everyone love and kindness. It's not true - you piss me off, I hate you for the rest of my life. It's just the way I am!
- Anya

meanness is one thing. Meanness makes you push down the geek on the playground. Cunning and intelligence make you arrange for the mean kid to end up in detention for a week because you rewired the fire alarm to a remote that you set off when the mean kid was standing next to it, ya know what I mean?
Or maybe that's just me.

- Claris

Anyone else thinking "Ruffy & the McFucks" is a great name for a band? Or possibly a sitcom.
(Or both! Like the Monkees, but with more random sex and violence!)

- nails

I am extraordinarily strict on such things. I am also right. And why yes, I am a buttinsky.
- Xanderella

You two *must* meet up in person, and I must be there when you do, because the disturbance caused by such a convergence may well cause a giant black hole and destroy the earth.
- Catriona

I have no mental powers here...

- SarahNicole

I think I'll go read the 100 lists -- haven't got to that yet. I may laugh so much I die, but that's a risk I'm willing to take.
- Catriona

It's just - look at what happens to you now, and you don't even try - the thought of online dating is like you're inviting in the tornado & the spastic ferret to round things out!
- DarkLady

You are so me in reverse! We must get costumes and be a madcap crime fighting duo, clearly.
- Catriona

Is anyone else thinking, thank God this idiot can't reproduce?
- Ogre

I found my money clip! True, I have no money to use said money clip on, but if I did...oooh boy! I could clip it like nobody's business!
- godeater

They promise more action and no more horrible animal metaphors now!
- DarkLady

Darklady: :p
Darklady: hmm. possibly they used your on call and you didn't remember AIM was open and your computer was connected.
Claris: Sometimes, even I sleep.
Darklady: aha
Darklady: sleeping
Darklady: well there's a first time for everything
Darklady: and here I was gonna let you come into chat and observe. but you and your wacky priorities
Darklady: it's like the bronze. only faster and with more orgies and bondage
Darklady: and somehow I'm thinking next month's quote update will start with *that* comment
Darklady: so according my parents scale, I lost 5 pounds during the month of July. Which I of course gained entirely back with the chocolate chip cake I made while I was home
Darklady: this is weird. like I'm having a conversation with you but only in my mind
Darklady: mostly this is for your amusement. so when you wake up and look you go "what the fuck? why is this window so long?"
Darklady: bah. I should've logged off chat to watch Queer Eye. oh well
Darklady: hmm. you were supposed to get my pictures back today. hopefully you're not in hiding because they scarred you mentally. that would be bad
Darklady: if i had a dime for every fic i've read that misspelled "scarred" as "scared" I could retire.
Darklady: or go to the UK this fall
Darklady: which I've about reconciled myself to NOT doing. I just don't have the $$.
Darklady: I think I might go to Iowa instead. see Ruffy, Monique, maybe KitCat. which would be less stressful anyway
Darklady: yes! the U2 exhibit at the Rock and Roll hall of fame will be there the rest of the year! I can go see it in September the weekend of the Trek convention. *happy dance*
Darklady: yes, I'm going to a trek convention.
Darklady: shut it.
Darklady: and on that note, I shall leave this monstrosity here for you to snerk over.

Have developed strange bruise on the top of my left hand. Have no idea how. I think my warranty ran out.
- Closet B

My Maths skills rise unbidden

there were some wacky hijinks in the car, but i'm not sure i could do them the justice. there was a lot of waving, and yoo-hoo'ing, and natalie wood-ing. and i might've been called a whore in russian, but since i don't speak russian, i'm probably just projecting.
- Polgara

I have a week from hell this week. It's the Cottage Day for the Publishers on Wednesday, which means Monday and Tuesday I'm running around getting that organized, Wednesday I'm required to be social, and Thursday I might go build a pyre and burn myself alive.
- Anya
Well, at least you have a plan, right?
- Claris

I am never one to deny the lure of sitting about drinking beer for a few minutes until you feel more active (or at least until the bad dog is gone).

Amaranth : Cobal, cranberry, or hunter?
Claris : I thought you were naming the kid Robert
Amaranth : what colors are in the kitchen?
Clari s: Well, I have one green dishtowel - I don't think that constitutes a "color scheme", per se.

Claris: did everyone decide to do a bunch of drugs this summer & not send me an invite or something?
OzLady: Ya got me, because if they did the bong passed me by!

I'm eating sushi while sitting in the bathtub while reading a book. It's like being a movie star on a budget
- KitCat's away msg.

that was worse than the one about the teenage girls and the horses
- DarkLady

I have scads to say on that. It's all scathing, so I'm going to be very polite and shut up.
- Anya

I'm the biterrest girl in all bitteronia
- KitCat

Claris: Anya wants me to verbaly rip *name deleted* open & feast on their liver.
Sam: Verbally? Did Anya mellow out while I was gone?
Claris: She knows that if I do it physcially, I'll get arrested & then we can't go to Europe

Chuh! Sobriety! A passing fad.
- Catriona

Yeah, now I'm in that "screw her" phase. It's a much happier place.
- Little Sister

I made decisions about who was going to live and who was going to die, and I mangled some bodies to unrecognizable forms. Yes boys and girls, it was the semi-annual day in the garden.
- 'stina

Claris : Ya know, if I really am paying for a past life the way Anya thinks I am, I hope the hell I was some bloodthirsty celtic warrior girl, 'cause I'd better have left OCEANS of blood on the ground to justify this shit.
I'm just sayin'.
DarkLady : oh god. what happened now?
Claris : I have to go into work. I'm bitter about that.

Seska - you helped sabotage camcorder footage, made an international 'phonecall, drunk much vodka, denied the existence of invisible dougs, told my younger brother to 'fuck off' every ten seconds for fifteen minutes, had a 'heated debate' so loud that the BRGB tried to intervene fearing violence, lezzed up, then passed out in a chair claiming the Trevor and Simon (who's video you'd insisted we keep playing) were 'never actually funny, just classic, but not funny, but still classic, but not.....'.
Best. Party. Ever.

- clarrie
clarrie Hmm. I vaguely remember everything except 'invisible dougs' (huh??) and having a heated debate. Whom I was threatening with violence, and was I discussing homosexuality or Christianity or both? And furthermore, how come you can remember all that and I can't??
Fantastic, fantastic party, mate. Yes.

- Seska
Things I know...
Catriona (whom I know is Ka TREE na, but still think of as Ca Tree OH na) is real.
Seska is real.
The BRGB is real.
clarrie is at least holographic and possibly real.
They all really do talk like Giles, well, if Giles were a girl, except the BRGB. Oh, and except Ca TREEE na, who's just a wee milly.
If there were either eggs or fireworks used in any illegal or immoral capacity, within the vicinity of Bristol, Saturday evening, it was probably that bloody Paul McGann, and/or the IRA. It certainly wasn't anyone else, because they clearly had too much vodka.

- Xanderella
As a small stuffed hedgehog and some gay pirate sims are my witness, cat, seska and I were sobre during that 'phonecall. The BRGB however had been drinking spirits since six pm, and was pissed as a fart. Which resulted in his attempt to convince Xanderella that he wasn't drunk, by demanding he be asked to name a major European capital.
It took him four or five tries to be able to say 'I demand you ask me to name a major european capital.'
Then he got it wrong.
The capital of scotland.
And was too busy victory dancing to notice.

- Clarrie

there was an unfortunate incident with a metaphor involving gazelles. It was painful. We try not to talk about it.
- DarkLady

*hmph* I went to be measured for the school play today, and apparently I am 5'4".
I am a midget. I am doomed to spend my life being unable to reach things on high shelves and having to crane my neck to see Claris's head!
I am tiny!

- Catriona
You're taller than me. And why does your height have anything to do with a school play?
- St. Germain
Because they run a ruthless system of Mussoliniesque efficiency wherein your height determines precisely which role you will play and how long you will remain on the stage before being taken out back and shot. While getting measured I could hear the screams.
- Catriona

*snerk* I just got a spam mail asking me to "Open the floodgates of her passion, webmaster"
First off - who came up with THAT? Second, when you add in the Webmaster, it sounds rather like someone trying to write Dungeons & Dragons porn fic, if such a thing exists. (Please don't go looking to find out if it does exist - after the whole thing with Sam & the Transformers porn, I've just stopped wanting to know, really.)

- Claris

edited to clarify, and possibly add more swearing and gratuitous dissing
- clarrie

If Justin really does control the world, do you think if I asked him for a pony, he would buy JC a horse suit and make him walk in circles while my friends and I rode him? That would be cool.
- Amberlynne

I once saw Martin Landau at Mel's on Sunset. That don't mean I know why he made B.A.P.S.
- Kristen

i learned at the concert yesterday, that when a police officer tells you to empty out your bottle of vodka, dont ask him if he would like to keep the bottle for his collection they usually dont have spectacular senses of humor about that.
- FlyBoy

August 12, 2003