Group Activity - Just your basic compendium for survival..
Okay, so after the conversations I've had since yesterday, and one in particular that moppety & I are having, I just hit on what I want to do for the next ND.com update, and I need you girls to help me out. I want to compose the List of Things Guys Should Know as a sort of...compendium for their general education. So everybody give me at least one, and feel free to keep coming back to contribute to it until, eh, we'll say the 13th of January so that I have time to code it all. Here - I'll even start.
Things Every Guy Should Know
1. Girls. Talk. To. One. Another.
No, really, we do. Seriously. Don't think for a moment that you're getting away with something, dear, 'cause we can, do, and will talk about it later to compare notes with our friends. So if you're doing the same thing to other girls we know...not only are we going to figure it out, we're going to spread the word to other girls so that you don't get away with it again. Just a tip.
2. Oh, you so said that right.
To the really cute guy that we were helping last night - the fact that you said you were shopping for your girlfriend was, well....sad for us, but when you turned around & described her as Ruden-esque and stated "because who wants to date Twiggy?" - yeah. That just earned you exemplary customer service from the three girls working here tonight. Congratulations.
Well? Who's next? Gimme it all, girls. PMS warnings. leaving the toilet seat up - things they do wrong, things they do right....go for it. You can have your name on it, or request to be anonymous in the actual article.
I don't care how "cute" I look.
Don't underestimate me.
If I'm out in a dance club with my female friends- telling me I have a great ass, then proceding to grab it will not get you my name.
I don't care what you've heard from other women-talking "dirty" in bed? Definate turn-off.
Love me, love my cats.
Calling me your ex's name in casual conversation is amusing, especially when you freak about it.
Calling me your ex's name in bed? THAT would not be amusing.
Rules that applied to ex girlfriends/ex wives do no carry over to the next girlfriend/wife.
If I ask for an opinion on an outfit, tell me the truth.
Don't be afraid to tell me if something looks bad on me. I honestly wouldn't ask if I didn't want to know.
For that matter, if I ask your opinion on anything, don't just tell me "what ever you like".
I know what I like. That's not the question.
My PMS is not something you should be terrified of.
It does not require you to tiptoe around the house or me. (however, back massages during this time are extra appreciated)
Not all girls are the same.
Some of us like to cuddle, some of us don't. Some of us like to be taken out for expensive dinners, some of us like to be surprised with meals made at home, some of us want bling-bling gifts, some of us just want little surprises like a night out at the movies. But, if we say when you ask what we want "Oh nothing" we're lying. It really means "surprise me".
For this girl... Small talk is WRONG
Yeah, you need our names, so that by the time we have sex for the first time you've memorized it rightly and know what to scream out at the right moment. But, sitting down for a coffee and expecting the girl to do all the talking? Wrong. So wrong. And boring. We're not there to listen to the sounds of our own voices. Get a clue.
We don't bite... much.
If you like me, and you want to date me, then TELL me. I'm not a mind-reader. And, ease up on the come-on lines. Just say it like it is. "Hey girl, you're catching my eye. Can I buy you a beer?" It'll work. HONEST.
Don't fucking cuss all the goddamn fucking bastard-like time
It's aggravating. Hello, English can be offensive enough, but when we first meet, I don't need your potty mouth.
My saying I'm on a budget doesn't mean I'm asking for a guy to pay my way. No, seriously. It means, low key it, rent a movie, buy a six-pack and lets just sit down and watch the movie. This does not mean small-talk or jump me. It might mean jump me, but read the signposts carefully.
Toilet Paper and their holders -- not brain surgery
Change the toilet paper. It's not hard. Remove roll bar from holder, slide off empty cardboard sleeve, place new roll on the bar, insert into the holder clips. If you have to be a Rocket Scientist to get this, then know this: I am NOT breeding with you.
It's not gossip
It's research and data sharing. If you do suck in bed, our girlfriends will know. If you're amazing, our girlfriends will know. If you do something spectacularly stupid, yup, our girlfriends and YOUR MOTHER will know.
Saying things like "I just don't feel in the Christmas/Chanukkah/Kwanzaa spirit this year/I don't feel like celebrating this year" means that yes, you do have to get somebody some kind of a gift if you go to their house to celebrate said holiday.
Especially if said person is a significant other. Never show up, eat food, and then bail without even saying thank you for the presents that YOU received. For god's sake, at least break out the Crayolas and make a damn card.
From the Bad Date Files:
Conversations and opinions
When on a date, do feel free to share your opinions. However, even if she seems interested and engaged, beware of oversharing. Watch closely for body language clues. If she's got her head propped up on her hand and she's staring at the hottie at the next table, chances are you're talking too much. Shut up and relax. It's a conversation, not a monologue. She's allowed to interject a few opinons, too.
Nobody wants to listen to their date wax effusive about the state of Classical music as it relates to the sociological impact of Goodwill shopping as it relates to foreign policy, without taking a breath for her to participate in the discussion. Intelligent discussion is perfectly fine, but so is light banter. Not every date needs to consist of a university lecture.
Post date ettiquete
If you must ask your date for a ride home, try not to be insensitive enough to ask for a ride home on the same day that she's had her car stereo stolen. And if you must insist, don't expect any kisses or immediate date plans at the end of the ride home. Respect the fact that her broken window and vanished CD player mean more to her right now than planning future dates. Wait a couple of days.
If, in a new relationship, you and your girlfriend are separated by more than a day's drive for any length of time, letters are a nice and caring way of letting her know you're thinking of her. In fact, it's sweet, and it's a cheap way to show you care. However, if you do choose to write letters, do not write a letter or more per day. Never, never detail your disturbing nightmares, trademark her name on the envelope, or detail your mental problems du jour (multiple times a day), unless you're actively attempting to look like a stalker or nutcase. If for some reason you do write such letters, don't be surprised if she dumps your ass and changes her phone number and address without warning.
Small gestures mean more
As others have mentioned, it depends on the woman and what she likes, but some of the best and most memorable things you can do for a girlfriend have less to do with money and more to do with showing you care. If she's sick, make her a bowl of chicken soup, for instance. Lots of milage for a very minor effort.
I am not your ex
So she was a raging bitch who hated everything about you. Fine. But I'm not HER. I'm not going to freak out if you go out with friends without me, I have friends of my own. I'm not going get your permission to do things, so you shouldn't ask mine either. I'll ask your opinion, but it's my life, yo. The reverse also applies. I'm not going to stop dating you because you get a different job or start liking a tv show I hate.
These are from all over the place in my dating history and my cultural pet-peeve mental list
I'm not from Venus, you're not from Mars, let's cut the crap
I'm sorry, but there has never been a case of women are one way/men are another. It's PEOPLE that are so confusing, and that is absolutely because they're EACH UNIQUE AND DIFFERENT. There is no rulebook for decoding women because no two women are the same. The reason you're getting confused is because some how this men are like this/women are like that society has got you brainwashed into thinking there's some key to understanding a whole gender: that's about 50% of the population, folks. Try thinking of each woman as an INDIVIDUAL, and approach her as someone whose feelings you care about and opinions you respect. There will be some misunderstandings, but if you communicate? It'll all fall into place from there.
It doesn't mean there's Something Wrong. It's not about having The Talk. Communication is THE single thing that makes a relationship work. Learn it. Know it. Love it.
Watch it with the PMS theorizing
OK, maybe I am emotional. Maybe I'm not. I don't get to get PMS or have symptoms beyond the physical when I'm menstrual. So if I'm being emotional or irrational, maybe it's because I'm LEGITIMATELY UPSET ABOUT SOMETHING. And if you suggest it's because of hormones? That pretty much says to me "I dismiss your feelings, because I have found a source for them that is temporary and has nothing to do with me." Let's dig a little deeper, shall we? Maybe I actually do have a legimate reason to be upset, even if I'm a bit more upset than I should be.
Letting me down gently is a bad idea
Because if you say too many of those pretty, comforting words? I might start to believe them. And so instead of letting it go, I'm holding out some kind of hope. This doesn't benefit anyone. You don't want to make me cry? Coward. I might not, you never know. And if I do? I'd rather cry now and get it over with. There is no need to drag this out indefinitely.
I am just glomming on to yours cuz they would be mine also, twofold!
- Closet Buffyholic
A side note?
he reason you're getting confused is because some how this men are like this/women are like that society has got you brainwashed.
This tendency is not helped by the constant "It's the men against the women" thing we keep seeing on reality shows. I'm really freaking sick of seeing the sexes pitted against each other. This is not 1970's professional tennis, people
Nice to meet you, can I sleep with you?
If we've known each other for less than five minutes due to meeting in a parking lot, produce section, video rental store, ect. do not expect me to agree when you ask to come over to my place to "watch a movie or something." Accept the fact that the first date is going to involve meeting at a neutral location and there probably won't be hot, wild sex in the first half hour of acquaintance. Really.
I had a guy try that "wanna rent a movie?" bit on me TWO dates in a ROW. Dude, I know what you're going for. Also? Try and be a little more creative and you just might get it. Keeping this bullshit up will pretty much guarantee you don't.
I only had it happen once. We met in a parking lot and I have him my number on Wednesday. He called at 8:00 on Thursday wanting to know if he could come over that night. What really got me is that when I said no and suggested a cafe we could meet at on Friday, he claimed his schedule was going to be too busy and I never heard from him again. Because that's not obvious or anything. Good Riddance, I say.
- Lovely Poet
Um, no. You cannot, actually.
"Hey girl, can I get witchoo?" I'm not sure who convinced you that this is a good opening line, but they were lying to you. It's not. Also, when faced with the answer of "No," your follow up attempt should not be any varient of "You gotta man?" Mostly because it's just as bad as your opening, but also because it will leave me with Positive K's dumb ass song running through my head for at least an hour.
I know my own hormones
If I admit to having PMS one week, I'm having PMS. If a week later, I'm pissed at your for something, don't blame it on PMS. Most of us will, in fact, own up to our own moodswings but you can't ignore valid complaints and chalk it all up to those wacky female hormones.
I have them. I will continue to have them. You might even be one of them. I do not want to date/sleep with/marry every nice guy I meet. If I am dating you and I talk about a guy I'm friends with, don't be threatened and tell I shouldn't hang with him. If you are the guy I'm not sleeping with and you think I should be, don't accuse me of being a lesbian. Neither of these tactics will work the way you want it to.
Be a hero for $5 and only a little embarrassment
Keep a small supply of pads and/or tampons at your place. Even if you aren't dating anyone and just have some female friends. Strange as it may seem to you, the female reproductive system isn't on a schedule that works smoothly all the time. Sometimes our periods sneak up on us and the appreciation we'll show you for saving the day with a Tampax will far outweigh any minor embarrassment you feel at buying them.
Once upon a time...I started a "Dream's Dating Dos & Don'ts" for Chrissy's web site, but never finished it. I am not going to submit it now, because I haven't been dating anyone but RM for over a year now so it wouldn't be appropriate. But still, upon review of said article, I think some are good things for guys to know. I give you the pick of the litter:
When you meet a woman at a club:
DO tell her you like how she dances.
DON'T urge her to dance with the stripper's pole. That's the sort of thing a woman wants to decide for herself.
DON'T dance up on her without at least telling her your name. Didn't your mother teach you any manners? She wants to know whose penis is grinding up against her. It's common courtesy, I think.
DO buy her a drink. Nobody likes a cheapskate.
DON'T stare at her chest while you dance. They're called EYES, motherfucker. Look at them once in a while, won't you?
As for the first date:
DON'T suggest meeting at a place near you. I don't care if she lives far away and you have this really nice Italian place down the street. You go to her.
DO pick her up.
DON'T be more than 10 minutes late.
DON'T be more than 10 minutes early, either. You might catch her in the middle of putting on her nylons.
DO bring her flowers if the mood strikes, but DON'T bring red roses unless you've known her for a while. It's too soon for high romance.
DO have a restaurant already chosen. It shows forethought, which is a nice bonus.
DON'T ask her to drive. Helloooooooo.
DO pay for dinner. I don't care what century it is, women like this. Don't be cheap.
DON'T -- I repeat DON'T buy her a rose from one of those people who goes from table to table selling them. It's cheesy and can lead to awkwardness. And you are NOT guaranteed a kiss for it no matter what the flower woman says, so forget about it.
This leads us to the first kiss:
This is so very, very important. The type of kiss you give her can make or break the entire thing.
DON'T go all RotoRooter with your tongue.
Got me? She likes her tonsils where they are, thank you. No shoving your tongue in her mouth and moving it in a circular motion. I have had this experience. It was not pretty. I was actually considering a second date until this happened. I seriously had to release the suction to detach him from my mouth. Whatever you do, DON'T DO THIS.
DON'T get sloppy.
Drooly kisses are almost as bad as RotoRooter Tongue. As are Slug Tongues, the polar opposite of RRT. You don't want to shove your tongue down her throat, but you don't want to just lay it in her mouth, either. I mean really, that's just rude. Have some courtesy, you know?
DO kiss softly.
Slightly open mouthed. A bare flicker of tongue. You know, Church Tongue. Trust me on this one. Kiss her like this and you will make her knees weak. You will get more than that, actually, if you keep playing your cards right. The one man who kissed me like that, I am still seeing almost two years later. I know whereof I speak.
Everything you say is being analyzed
And in some cases recorded, parsed and plotted. Women look for subtlety in communication, and we generally find it, which means an offhand remark you forget about 5 minutes later could provide a world of meaning to your SO. Think carefully before you speak, especially in the early stages of a relationship.
I am not getting up on that fucking pedestal
Most women will want to be treated like a goddess every now and again (or more). But a constant flow of empty praises is not nearly as valued as one genuine compliment. Not to mention, you should have some opinions of your own. Don't simply accept everything I say as being right. Think for yourself, I'll think for myself, and we'll meet somewhere in the middle.
I'll let you get mad and I won't blame PMS
I'm allowed to be happy, sad, raging, giddy, etc. I expect you to be as well. I don't trust a man who never seems to have a bad day, or who never loses his temper. This does NOT mean I'm looking for an abusive, controlling SOB. I want to see honesty in emotional release, be that singing along to a bad metal song on a good day or ranting and raving about the evility of your boss on a bad day.
Don't be a girl.
I have girlfriends. I don't need you to be one. I appreciate a little sensitivity here and there, but full on bad poetry writing, tearing up at the drop of a hat, oh look at me I'm a truly modern man gooeyness is not going to get you anywhere. Except relegated to my "friend-that-is-a-boy" list.
2. Don't even think about pushing my head down
Believe me sweetcheeks, if you're pushing? I wasn't going to go there anyway. You've just made it for forever.
Carnations. Just say no.
Body Language: Live it. Learn it. Love it.
If you are talking to me, and I am pulling out my hair? I am not liking what you are telling me and you should probably shut. up!
If you burp, and I stare at you like you just sang me the most romantic song ever, I am way too in love with you and you should run. away. Really, it would save us both a lot of grief.
If you come up to me on the dance floor, trying to get all up on me, and I shove you away, that means I don't want to dance with you. If you keep trying, and my friends form a circle around me to protect me, that means I don't want to dance with you and everyone who cares about me does not want me to dance with you. Go. Away.
Friend is a four letter word
Don't ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever tell me that you want to be just friends. Ever. Ever! Just don't. If I decide later, after I have ripped up every picture I have of you and burnt the pieces in my favorite aromatherapy candle for hours, enjoying watching every inch of you melt and turn to ash, that I want to be friends, I will give you a call. Even then, you shouldn't trust me, because I probably just want to get my revenge and I am tricking you in to come close enough for me to do it.
Don't be my friend, be so wonderful that I fall in love with you, and then tell me you wish you could find a girl like me to love. I AM A GIRL LIKE ME, YOU TWIT!
Never ever ever ever ever tell me that we shouldn't hook up because you don't want to ruin our friendship. You either want me "that way" or you don't. Grow some balls and tell me the truth. Either way, the friendship is probably over, so we both might as well get some booty of it, yo.
That last one....that's priceless. Priceless and wholly applicable. I have to go somewhere and laugh a bunch now...
um, yeah, those last three paragraphs? Should become the next Amendment to the Constitution.
Oh, this is kind of, well, a personal choice thing, but guys should know--some women are comfortable having sex during their period and some aren't. A lot of it depends on how comfortable you are with having sex then.
Do not keep things from me because you're afraid I'll get upset.
Maybe I will get upset, but at least I'll be operating on full information. And, yes, maybe I won't talk to you for awhile or even *gasp* break up with you, but it will be infinitely worse when I eventually find out AND I find out that you've been keeping important things from me.
Sometimes, for me, it's only about the sex.
I know, I know, I'm supposed to be emotionally involved and cry and sob when you go away, but sometimes I just don't have kind of time adn I'm sick of my vibrator.
Speaking of vibrators, don't be intimidated by the sex toys.
They're not there to replace you, and yes, I can reach an orgasm with out your pounding away at me. Just like you want a little variety, so do I. Let me show you what I like, and then you can drive me wild. There is no bad here.
Talk to me.
Tell me what you like, tell me that you want my tongue right there. Tell me you like the altoids better than the listerine strips. Tell me that if I stop what I'm doing you're going to die right then and there. And then tell me when you're ready to go again. If you talk to me, I'm much more likely to do something than if you try to manipulate me into doing it.
I have a sexual past.
And maybe I'll tell you about some of it, but honestly, it doesn't have anything to do with you. Sure I'll use some of my knowledge towards my relations to you, but don't worry about it, and let's focus on us, not me and what I've done.
Hmm. This is fun.
Oh. This is important - Give a girl some warning.
Before laundry has to be done or hair has to be washed or someone has to brush the taste of salty egg-white out of their mouth, let a girl know when you're about to come and let her make the decision on where the mess is going to end up. I understand that sometimes, yes, things do happen a little earlier than expected, but whenever possible, give a little heads up, so to speak, so she can make the appropriate preparations. Do not, under any circumstances, use porn as a guide for the appropriate way to have sex, with the possible exception of girl-on-girl cunnilingus.
Oh, yeah, and...you make the wet spot, you sleep on the wet spot.
Don't make fun of the sentimental parts of our favorite tv shows.
I don't care if you think Charlie is whiny on "Party of Five" or that Claudia is going to be hot when she grows up. Shut. the. fuck. up. and let me cry.
Just because we wanted you to do it *that* way last time, doesn't mean we want you to do it that way EVERY time.
And if you ever want to do it with us again, don't say "But you wanted me to do it that way LAST time" in a little boy voice or we will lose interest and you will spend the rest of the evening alone except for the company of your old friends Mr Liquid Soap and Mr Hand.
Don't pretend to listen, don't half-listen. Really and truly *listen* And if you can't or even don't want to, please tell us that honestly. It's insulting and disrespectful to act like you're listening when you're not. And we can tell.
Offering to do chores around the house and stuff is GREAT- we love you for it.
But it's not the same as being affectionate or attentive.
Most of us don't mind watching sports with you
...as long as you are willing to either explain to us the parts we don't get or cuddle or rub our feet during the game/match. Believe it or not, we usually enjoy your company SO much that we don't mind being there for an activity that isn't high on our "list of fun" as long as you let us know you are glad we're there, too.
We like adventurous guys.
Try a new food, wear a shirt that isn't 'your thing,' go see a movie with us you weren't sure you'd like. Even if it's a laughable disaster, we will admire and respect you for your sense of spirit and whimsy.
Let us take care of you when you need taking care of.
Nothing is a bigger turn-on than being needed (as long as it doesn't run over into being 'needy' because that is about as much of a turn on as penile boils). If you're sick, we probably won't mind rubbing your back or bringing you soup or changing the channel. If your car breaks down and you don't have AAA, call us. If someone you care about is in pain or died or whatnot, talk to us. Letting us see pieces of your soul will inevitably lead to you seeing pieces of our... well, souls too. And bits. ;-)
Admit when you're wrong.
Don't grovel (unless it's really bad, like putting our cashmere sweater in the dryer), don't blame us- just say "Hey, I goofed. I'm sorry and I am going to try not to do it again."
Mean it when you say "I am going to try not to do it again."
Because as G'd is my witness, after hearing that every friggin' time you screw up in the SAME gorham way...well, it makes us a wee bit cranky. It also leads to us not believing other stuff you say and it makes us kind of think you're a pathetic schmuck who isn't ever going to change.
Cutting us slack when WE screw up makes a big difference to us.
Unlike you, we will remember it and we WILL try hard not to do it again because you were so nice to cut us that slack last time.
If a birthday and other major holiday, such as Christmas,Hanukkah, V-Day, etc. are in the same month or very close to one another, don't combine gifts/cards.
Keep the porn out of sight if she doesn't like it.
Definitely keep it out of sight should it hit too close to home, such as her being Asian and you having several volumes of Asian Fever.
If you take your girlfriend to a social event with co-workers, your boss better not call her your 'friend'.
'No.' won't turn to 'Yes.' if you continue to grab.
Exit only, means exit only.
Unless she happens to be lucky enough (IMO) to not have them. Don't make that face or noise when it's that time of the month, especially if they happen on a very regular cycle. If she can track it, so can it. It shouldn't be that big of a surprise every month.
Some girls really like shoes. Deal.
Yes, we like shoes that cost more than several pairs of your cheap sneakers. They will last as long and look much nicer than them. Start totaling up those bar tabs and sports tickets, that should add up to a nice pair of Stuart Weitzmans.
If there's a serious discussion, don't change the subject!
Clothing as a gift unless you know for sure what the correct size is, is very, very bad.
If she's insecure about something, such as her waist, don't, don't, don't, don't poke like she's the Pillsbury dough boy.
I've been trying to think of something to add here but my husband is not really guilty of many of the things mentioned here. So I guess I'll clue the men on some things that are cool:
Remembering something as small as the fact that I love orange Tic Tacs.
That day we were at Target and you put them on the thingy with our stuff (and I said nothing about wanting them...) I swear, I think I fell in love with you all over again.
Doing laundry and cleaning the house...without me asking.
It just happens. It's one of the few things I'd like to thank your mother for.
I sent you emails...with gift suggestions for Xmas. You listened. You will be rewarded graciously for that.
Ok enough of those examples, how about the one thing that can totally negate the above?
Walking around the house, watching tv, trying to have a conversation with me...when I'm seated and you're standing. There is a time and place for nudity...this ain't it. We paid money for your underwear....use them.
But of course, we digress...
Things Every Guy Should Know
Things Every Girl Should Know
Letters to the Editor