I have no idea if, when he sent this to me, FlyBoy actually meant it, or if this was supposed to be satirical. he never answered my e-mail asking if he was serious or not, so I leave it to you guys to decide....
~Claris

FROM: "FlyBoy"
DATE: Thu, 15 Jan 2004 14:09:13 -0500
TO: "Claris"
SUBJECT: Dear editor.... in response to your column on what men should know...

Ok, i started reading that shit and i got pissed. Uncontrolable, hysterical, manical, want to headbutt some poor slob pissed. I wont say that guys dont have their flaws, because I know I sure as hell do... and those who know me know that I'll be the first to hop on the soap box and profess that yeah, i'm fucked up. BUT... HOW ABOUT ALL THESE GIRLS STEP OFF THEIR HIGH FUCKING HORSE! FOR ONE MINUTE!

I mean christ...

First and foremost... NO SHIT you talk to one another... we know this... and we talk to each other as well, and believe it or not, our conversations involve more than gutteral grunts and punches to the face to communicate. We know each and every one of you, and where your hussy ass has been the night before, what you were doing, and when you got back... so dont think you're hiding anything from us. We know.

Next of all, fine, so a gift certificate isn't the best thing in the world, i'll grant you that, but seriously, don't be pissed if we come walking into the house with the led zepplin box set for you because we heard you listening to stairway to heaven and thought you may enjoy sampling the rest of their fine collection.

AND really... you don't want an honest opinion about if your ass looks fat in a pair of pants or not. I got a news flash for you all. EITHER YOUR ASS IS FAT, OR IT IS NOT. A pair of pants isn't gonna do SHIT. We are going to tell you what you want to hear, because that is going to avoid us arguing over the pinstripe blank pants over the fucking ripped blue jeans, thus getting us to dinner on time, and keeping us both happy. Trust me, you want to hear what you want to hear. Lie to me... but don't lie to yourself.

Ok, some girls don't like small talk, fine, good times. BUT... staring blankly across the table at me waiting for ME to say something constantly isn't exactly an option either, now is it? (its happened to me, less gooder) Believe it or not, some guys have interests beyond, sports, beer, and porno, and can hold a reasonably intelligent conversation that extends beyond: "So.... you like stuff?"

And yes...girls, unfortunatly, it IS gossip. I work in a clothing store, I work with girls, and I know gossip when I hear it. Once the words "bitch, skank, slut and whore" start being regularly interspersed into the conversation, it has extended beyond what the weather is like and what you did last night. But hey, guess what! guys do it too! and we allllll know if you spit, swallow, take it in the dumper, or are just a general all around whore, so don't think you can pull the wool over our eyes. we know all about you. YES. YOU!

I could go on... but I gotta touch on one more thing. No man has to keep any kind of female sanitary products at his place, UNLESS, said guy has a woman living there with him. I'm sorry, but I'm 21 years old,and in college. My shopping list HAS NEVER, and WILL NEVER, go "Milk, eggs, beer, tampex, monistat" FUCK.THAT. SHIT.

As far as meeting girls and first dates... don't meet girls in clubs. never, dont do it. Not to say that there are not nice girls in clubs, because there are. but there are distinctly two types that girl in clubs seperate into. Girls that go to clubs with their friends because they want to cut loose and dance, hence totally screwing you out of any opportounity to get with them because thats not what they're there for. Fine, no prob, but please dont be a bitch about it when a guy hits on you cause he thinks your hot. Look at the bright side, he doesnt think your ass is fat (or maybe he does, who knows) Then, you have the girl at the club who is nothing better than your average trash barrel whore who has been flushed and spun around the drain of life so many times she wouldn't know a cock from a steel pipe. These are the girls who are looking for sex, nothing more, nothing less. You can hit on them if you want I guess, but bag that shit up for the love of god. And if you ARE one of those girls, don't expect to be treated with any level of respect, because if you refer to above... we know allllll about you.

First dates... Listen, we're doing the best we can. If you have a nice guy, he will go out of his way, open doors, pay for dinner... LET HIM. I mean, just give the poor guy a chance... because remember, if you're a bitch to him, he won't call you back, but that'll be his fault too right? And first kisses, girls can suck at em too, don't think you're perfect.

AND... while we're on the subject of dating... i have to give a little heads up to all you that don't go down. Guys don't like doing it for you, but we'll do it. Face it girls, we all gotta do some things in life we don't enjoy, but thats life. Saying to me "I don't give head, you don't need to if you're that good" is a total fuckin sham. What you are REALLY saying to me is, "I am a selfish bitch, I really don't care about your happiness, but will do whatever i have to do to look out for number one. Wheres your wallet?"

Don't nag me. You wanna talk about something, fine. If I say not right now, I mean not right now. I obviously am not in the mood to argue about whatever piddly little thing that has come up you can't seem to find the brain power to handle on your own. Because chances are, YES, it CAN wait until half time, or until the end of Full Metal Jacket, or for the love of christ, at least let me get off a toilet. DON'T NAG me... I have a mother for that... I don't need it coming from you too.

Ok... I'm done, for now... you're all gonna be pissed at me, but whatever. I've spoken my piece.

A woman may think she's so smart for being able to fake an orgasm, but only a man can fake a whole relationship ~Tucker Max
remember that one girls

~ FlyBoy

~ Other Moments of Insanity...
claris@nodignity.com