1. My feet hurt.

2. I'd love to ask the BHH for a foot-rub- but that would lead to a back-rub- and that'd be great except then he'd want sex.

3. Why can't men give a massage without wanting sex after?

4. I love sex! But, you know, when I'm not tired, busy, cranky, full, achy, or stressed.

5. Technology scares me. There's always something new to learn. Just thinking of all the things I haven't figured out on my new Dell makes me tired.

6. I'm partly thinking about this list- but mostly about dinner.

7. You know how women always say the the birth of their child(ren) is their Greatest Moment Ever? Well that's true. But is it wrong that the memories closely following those 2 events in importance are of kissing Chris Isaak on stage, meeting Harry Bellafonte, and now of a having a member of an Amazing Race team call my son up at home?

8. Oh! And when Sir Ian Mckellen emailed me! I am a fangeek!

9. By the way? Regarding #7, above? Being a Mom is what rocks. Labor sucks beyond the telling of it. And if you think it'll hurt- it's worse than that. I was pissed off that no-one was honest with me about that.

10. Still thinking about dinner. Burritos or cereal?

11. I love white wings more than any non-family member on this earth. Yup.

12. I hate weathermen more than any other entity on this earth. More than Ticketmaster even. Tied with Dubya maybe!

13. The thing I hate, besides the obvious never-knowing-anything-and-being-paid-a-LOT- is how they waste my time. FIRST I have to sit through all the local news blahblah and weather teases to get to the forecast, THEN they blather on for 5 minutes about what it already did today, whipping out their Doppler 9 Million and their Storm Tracker Ultra Sonic.

14. Hello! I was THERE! Cut to the fucking chase and tell me what tomorrow will be like!

15. The other thing I hate is how they take NO ownership or responsibility for their fuckups. "Yeah, we were wrong again, but, hey, not our fault! The compute model was wrong!" Can you imagine using that excuse at work?

16. The BHH says I shouldn't watch the weather at all. Don't tell him but he may be right-

17. My dog is annoying and everyone everywhere hates her. *sigh*

18. Sometimes when I'm in a really bad mood I wish I could vamp out at the unsuspecting. That would make me feel better. Especially if I made people cry.

19. Speaking of what a Mean Person I am-when my babies were teeny and I'd be up in the night nursing them for the umpteenth time- I'd look at my happily sleeping hubby and be so pissed off that I'd give him a good hard kick to the kidneys and then feign ignorance when he jerked awake.

20. I was even more horrible to my little brother growing up. When our Mom left me in charge I'd say, "Mom's dead. She's never coming back. I'm going to live with Dad but he hates you so you're going to an orphanage-"

21. For some reason my brother actually loves me. Go figure.

22. I'd rather have a trip than jewelry or silver for my birthday.

23. I got my wisdom teeth pulled in my early 20s. All 4 at once, so I had sodium pentothal and Novocain. When I groggily came to from the pentothal, with my tongue all huge-feeling from the Novocain, I said to my dentist: "Man, I couldn't give a blowjob now if you paid me".

24. I was a stripper in college.

25. Seriously.

26. OK, not a stripper stripper- but a deliverer of stripping telegrams. Betcha didn't know that!

27. I love my car like a 3rd child.

28. My toenails are bright yellow. To match my car of course!

29. I adore the new Intuition Razor

30. Once I dated a Puerto Rican millionaire who always wanted to cut my food up and feed it to me. He wanted to take me on his yacht for a month but I figured I'd have to fuck him so- nah.

31. Once I dated a guy who owned a Hot Air Balloon Company. Had lots of rides (heh) but never did it in the balloon.

32. Once I had a date with a guy who picked me up wearing shorts and yellow knee socks. Once.

33. Once, on my first (and last) date with this freak, he told me all about his diarrhea and coughed up his partially-chewed food into his hand! at the table! to find his lost crown. Seriously.

34. Once I was dating / sleeping with this guy- and his ex-GF broke in through my doggie door and attacked us while we were asleep.

35. Once I was in love with a guy and he left me for a blue-haired Swiss Slut. For a long time I wouldn't eat Swiss Cheese or Frusen Gladje ice cream, or wear Swatch Watches.

36. In my 20s in San Diego I lived with 6 guys from a local Calypso band.

37. Platonically.

38. Really.

39. Band Sluts used to ring our doorbell at all hours.

40. In college I dated this guy about 3 or 4 times and then dumped him. He sent me an oil painting of me in the foreground, looking at my wedding-ring-less hand and crying, and him laughing in the background. Heh.

41. Once I had a date with this very macho freak, who bragged to me about his pit bull biting off the ear of some other guy's dog at the beach, etc. I never dated him again. Ran into him a few months later and he asked why we hadn't dated since. I said, politely, that I thought we should just be friends. His response? "Friends? I don't want to be your friend... you really do it for me..."

42. Does anyone out there think that a line like that could ever, EVER, work? Why are men so stupid?

43. I joined the Mile High Club in the early 90s. But it's ok, because I married the guy.

44. When I was young and idealistic I swore I'd never want a diamond engagement ring because of the oppression of the South African miners etc. But, sadly, when the time came... I really wanted a big-ass sparkly rock.

45. We didn't have sex on our wedding night.

46. It's more common than you think.

47. Because, hello? Exhausted from months of excitement and planning. Plus we'd been living together for a year so- no big Mystery.

48. I've used the Good China we registered for less than 5 times in 11 years of marriage. Ditto the Good Crystal.

49. But I'm still glad I have it.

50. Half-way through. Hope I'm doing this right. And spare me the blahblahblah there is no rightorwrong patronizingcakes.

51. Claris is making me finish. Bitch.

52. Recently a former BF (and musician) confessed to me that he had carried a torch for me for years, and that some of his songs were about me.

53. Yeah, I liked it! Wouldn't you?

54. And no, he was NONE of the losers in #s 30 ­ 41, above!

55. How come all the other lists had similar items ­ was there an outline I never got? Well I'm on a roll so I'm going to keep talking about sex then, instead of favorite foods and movies.

56. Over the course of 10 years, I wound up dating 3 different men originally from the same band.

57. Not the Calypso band (#36)! I only mention this because people NEVER believe me about the whole "platonically" part of that story.

58. I actually had guys approach me at the Calypso-band gigs, and try to start up a conversation with the line, "So. Which one of them are you fucking?"

59. See #42.

60. I used to travel sometimes with the Calypso/room-mate guys. Vegas, Mexico, Palm Springs...But I always shared a hotel room with the gay one, so there you go. Platonic!

61. Lest you all start to pity me for my dating history, I will now tell the whole story of Chris Isaak (referenced in #7).

62. Long ago, when Chris Isaak was not quite the Big Name he is today, and was only locally famous, I was young and hot. No, really.

63. He played every year at a club where I hung out a lot. My galpal Amy and I made plans to go see him this one particular year, and we decided to dress extra-sexy so we'd be chosen to dance onstage ­ something we noticed he did once every gig. I wore a lace bra and a long silk skirt... and nothing else, just an oversized silk jacket over it... I had great tits.

64. He was singing, we were sexy, it was all good. He started his next song with the intro that he needed some help up on stage... well I knew all the bouncers there so I came up from backstage before he'd even finished talking, and thrust my heaving and half-naked bosom under his nose.

65. He did a double take, and asked, "What's your name and what school do you go to?" (Perhaps I looked like jailbait?) I told him my name and added, on mic, "And I'm a consenting adult..."

66. So I danced onstage with him and he asked me to stick around after. Amy and I duly stuck around... and then the band came out and drank with us... and then Chris himself joined us.

67. He was a major cutie-pie, and very sweet. He laughed that I'd surprised him onstage. We all hung out way past closing (the skanky barhags had to leave! HA!), and they gave us passes to their New Years Eve show in Orange County, and then ...

68. ...they invited me back to their hotel....

69. ...but I passed. I did kiss Chris though!

70. No tongue...

71. The next day when I walked into my office the whole place stood up and applauded ­ they assumed I'd gone home with him! They were all very disappointed in me that I hadn't. But I still love that story.

72. From the sublime to the ridiculous:

73. Once a guy I had been seeing long-distance came to spend the weekend with me. The first night I sat around chatting with my roommates a bit, and then looked around and realized the guy was gone. I found him crying. In my CAR! Because I had been ignoring him...

74. That's actually the same guy as in #40. I recycled him. Sue me.

75. Once I was in a bikini contest on spring break in Mazatlan. I came in second. In case you think that's good, consider that first place got a free trip to Mazatlan the next year and second place got a tee-shirt. But I'm not bitter...

76. My most embarrassing moment (I realize it seems that some of the above could qualify, sadly... this is worse...): In HS I was babysitting and had my BF over so we could have sex. (What? You didn't all do that?) We were stark naked, on the floor, in position, mere millimeters from penetration, when the parents came home early and walked right in on us.

77. So that sucked.

78. Once a date took me skiing in Tahoe, and blew his nose onto the snow right in front of me on our first chairlift of the day.

79. That was a long fucking day.

80. Once a first date took me to a club, and proceeded to leave me alone while he slam-danced (remember slam-dancing?) with his friends for about an hour. I found a friend there and had him drive me home, leaving my date without a word. The date showed up at my door about 2 hours later, demanding to know why I'd left him. When I wouldn't let him in he called me a tease and a bitch!

81. Once when I was on a first date with a guy, and struggling to end the good-night gropings with just a kiss, he said to me, and I quote, "Well okay, I'll go. But I could rape you if I wanted."

82. Yeah, I know. I have no idea why I kept going out on dates either...

83. Once, when I was a waitress, this hot but young busboy (he was about 17, I was mid-20s) had a huge crush on me for months. One weekend, I found out his parents were away. (He lived with his parents!!!) I told him to go home after work, clean up the house, kick his teenage buddies out, and wait for me... and then I went over and spent the weekend fucking his brains out.

84. Hey, it was more fun than the dates I was having!

85. My kids will never read this, right?

86. When I lost my virginity the guy said, upon my expression of discomfort, "Hey baby, I can't help it if I'm huge."

87. *snerk*

88. In college I had a boyfriend who thought it was funny to wake me up for classes by blowing cigar smoke in my face,

89. Later in college I had a different BF who got arrested twice in the same week.

90. Twice! Once at Disneyland and once in Mexico. Same week.

91. God I realllly don't know why I kept going out on dates.

92. Yes I did bail him out both times. And the second time required much handing out of cash in Mexico. But then I broke up with him.

93.  Quite understandably, I'm sure you'll agree, I began to see a shrink.  A man.  I thought that that would be fine.

94.  Don't say it.

95.  So here's what happened:  An intellectual BF dumped me (#35).  I undertook what I thought was the perfect antidote to being dumped by an intellectual­type; a VERY hot affair that was All. About. The sex.

96.  I'm here to tell you that this boy's mission in life was to help a woman... "discover her infinite capacity for orgasms" (TM Donald Sutherland).  My God.

97.  So I went to my shrink and gleefully related this turn of events, as proof of my cleverness and the fact that I was OVER #35.  I began describing one of the nights with this new boy-toy of mine, in glorious and vivid detail.  Medical professional, right?  

98.  Well... My shrink began to sweat, and hyperventilate, and then he ran out of the room.  RAN OUT OF THE ROOM!  Turns out, he had an anxiety attack.  Because he was aroused by my story.  Yes... now you see the sad truth...my sex life in my 20s was so fucked up, I caused my psychologist to have an anxiety attack!!!

99.  But now I am in my 40s, and married.  And if you're wondering...both the best-ever and the worst-ever sex I have had in my life has been with the BHH.

100. Nope. Not telling either story. And you thought I had no shame...