|We're the ones your mother warned your about...No, seriously. We are.|
1. Mommy was there the day I came home from the pet store. She held me in her lap while First Owner drove. Then, every so often, I'd see her when she came over. On the night I went home with her, she told me, "You're going to come live with me forever, and now your name is Zoey." All I could think was "Well, I knew that. What too you so long?"
2. The first time Mommy took me to her parents' house, I didn't know what the car was, 'cause First Owners never took me for car rides, and I was a year old, so I got scared. Mommy had to pick me up & put me in the backseat. But I'm not afraid of the car anymore - in fact, I don't understand why I can't go all the time, dang it.
3. For the longest time when I first started living with Mommy, I thought she told me the wrong name the night that I went home with her, 'cause she kept calling me "you little shit!" instead of Zoey. Sometimes, she still calls me that, but it's mostly Zoey now.
4. I hear Auntie Anya's coming to visit me in October. I can't wait! I love Auntie Anya. *prance prance prance*
5. Mommy calls me "prancey pants" 'cause I jump around a lot.
6. My papers say I was born in Iowa. When Mommy read this, she laughed and said she'd have to make sure that she told RTBS. I don't know what that means, but she thought it was really funny.
7.Mommy's Daddy used to say that Mommy didn't pick me, I picked her.
8. First Owners didn't spay me like Mom says they were s'posed to, so for about two weeks at one point, I had to wear a diaper. Mommy took pictures.
9. And because she took pictures, I ate her sweater.
10. Mom works, so during the day, I nap a lot. Then I get up & work on my version of the Great American Novel. Okay, not really.
11. People stop Mommy & I on the street all the time, & ask her what kind of dog I am. She tells them I'm a Weimer...wemie... I dunno how to spell it. I think I'm a Zoey kind of dog. Mommy says I'm a Weimermonster.
12. Somehow, everyone in the 'partment building knows my name. I like them. If I come outside, they ask me if
I've gone potty like a good girl yet, and if I'm at the window, they tell me not to bark, 'cause I'll get in trouble.
Someone once asked Mommy if she thought it takes a village to raise dogs, and she rolled her eyes & told them "Not all dogs,
13. I've tried to eat through walls a couple of times when I was living with Mommy with her parents.
She wasn't there. I got bored.
14. Unca Pat was the one that thought up Time Outs as punishment for me, since, according to Mommy, I have no pain threshold, whatever that means. So when I get in trouble, I have to go sit in the corner by myself.
15. Time Outs suck.
16. And when they happen in front of guests, Mommy & Unca Pat used to make them leave the room 'cause they kept giggling at it, and it was "undermining". Just ask Auntie Robyn
17. It took me a long time to think up something to pay back Unca Pat for coming up with Time Outs. Then Unca Pat brought Maxwell home two weeks before I got flown out to Mommy in L.A., 'cause Auntie Amaranth was saying she wanted a puppy of her own. As soon as he came in, I had the solution.
18. I taught Maxwell everything I knew. He learned real good. Then they looked at our papers & figured out that Maxwell's mommy was from the same breeder & litter I was, so he's my nephew. That 'splained a lot.
19. I'm just glad Maxwell waited until after I left to eat Unca Pat's income taxes. Mommy told me about that after getting off the phone and laughed a lot, saying that I'd done a lot of shit, but at least now she can maintain that her dog hadn't committed a felony.
20. Every time that we go to get my nails clipped, they ask Mommy if I'm six months old. When she tells them I'm three, they're all surprised. Then she tells them that I'm small 'cause First Owners were mean, so I'll be about fifty pounds forever. I have found that if I sit there and emote cuteness right after that, they'll say, "awww...." and give me a cookie.
21. But when they're done with that, I end up on the table getting my nails clipped, so it's kind of a trade-off.
22. I found out that other doggies like me are about eighty pounds when they're my age, so when we see them on the street, I always feel short. But Mommy told me that I'm not short, I'm Zoey-sized, which is probably good, 'cause if I was as big as the other kids with as much energy as I have now, she'd have to kill me.
23. We moved into a bigger 'partment in the same building on July 4th. It's neat. Same neighbors, but I have way more room to run around in.
24. We also got a new bed. I spend a lot of time on it napping. The first couple of days, I would start running at the front door, then go down the hallway & jump onto the bed and turn while I landed so that I messed up all the covers. Heh. It was fun.
25. Mom doesn't like the ends of the loaf of bread, so she breaks them up & I get 'em. It's neat.
26. I also get pizza crusts, and one time, Unca FlyBoy gave me Jell-O. The Jell-O was slippy, but I figured it out.
27. Sometimes, I miss Heidi & The Kittens - they were fun. They live with Mommy's parents. Mommy went away in April, & came back telling me that The Kittens were big enough to kick my ass now. psh. I don't think so. Like I'd let them get that close.
28. For a while, Mom was on this kick that I should sleep on the floor. I used to wait until she went to sleep, & then climb up on the bed & nudge her with my nose. Then she'd lift the covers 'cause she wasn't awake, & I'd climb under and curl up behind her knees. I just never managed the part where I woke up before she did & got back on the floor.
29. After a while, she gave up on me sleeping on the floor, so I can just jump on the bed when it's time to sleep and cuddle.
30. Mom says that I'm in for a rude shock if she ever gets a boyfriend. I don't know what a boyfriend is, or why she'd want one when she's got me, but okay.
31. Mom also makes me go an' 'pologize, 'cause sometimes, I get 'cited, & I jump up, & some guys suddenly gasp and bend over. I don't know why, but Mom says that's bad, and yet another reason she'll never have a date. oops.
32. I'm not allowed to do anything to Auntie Anya when she's here, 'cause last time I accidentally jumped off her head, and "she's still bitching about it, for fuck's sake...."
33. The first day in our new 'partment, I was sleeping on the bed, & the landlord walked by & was looking in the back windows, I whipped around to bark at him, and broke the bottom pane of glass. Mom was worried I was hurt, and I did a Time Out, but mostly she said it wasn't my fault, 'cause I was just doin' my job and why the hell was he looking in our windows anyway?
34. She still leaves the blinds down in that room though.
35. Auntie Robyn told Mommy once that with my unwavering dedication, Mommy should clone me and then she'd have her own little canine Gestapo to fulfill her every whim. Mommy said that's a great idea until you figure that then she'd have to train all the little Zoeys, and since she hasn't managed to make one of me fully obedient yet, it's probably easier for her to just take over the world on her own.
36. When I first went home with Mommy, I didn't like to be any further than two feet away from her. I used to follow her everywhere. Mommy's Daddy used to call me "the Shadow" and say I was the only one that knows... He said that Mommy had an Invisible Leash.
37. I can go further than two feet now. But I always come back to Mommy, 'cause she gets upset if I take myself for a walk, & then I just end up in Time Outs.
38. My tail wiggles a lot. It's a stubby little tail, 'cause they cut it when I was a puppy. I'm okay with that, 'cause I don't think I'd be able to make it go as fast if it was bigger. Mommy's okay with that too, 'cause she says if it was longer, I'd have to be registered as a weapon.
39. Every night, I get a new chewie right before bed. Every so often, Mom gives me my new chewie, & I'll go lay down on the bed, and wait for her. Then I get impatient, & walk out to see her working on the computer or painting. When that happens, I go put my paw on her leg, 'cause hey! It's bedtime!
40. Once a week, Mom takes a dustmop to the wood floors, and I slide around for two days or so. Just not cool. I try to run, & I just stay in one place for a few seconds before I go anywhere. She says that I look just like a cartoon when I do that.
41. Sometimes I think Mom's just fucking with my head.
42. Auntie DarkLady is coming to visit this weekend. I like her. She's neat. She doesn't seem to mind that I like to lean up against people in the hopes they'll pet me. Mom says that I can't jump on her when she's sleeping though. Bummer.
43. Auntie Anya asked Mom once if it was hard to teach me to run with her. Mom says that the running's not the problem, getting me to go in a straight line is.
44. Sometimes, when we're running, mean dogs will bark and try to bite me. S'okay though, 'cause Mom takes care of them. She says that they're just jealous 'cause their mommies don't take them out for runs.
45. Now when we go past those dogs, I just try to ignore them. I sniff derisively because my Mommy loves me, so I don't care about the mean dogs.
46. One day when we went running, we passed two bigger dogs that looked just like me! We stopped and while I was saying hi to the other Zoey-like doggies, Mom was talking to their owner, who told Mom that the vet lied and Weimer...weime whateverIams don't really calm down after the age of three. Mom sighed and said that's what she was afraid of.
47. I have lots of Aunties & Uncas. It's neat.
48. Mom will take me to work at Snap so she can get her check. That's fun. Sometimes, the security people don't pay any attention to us, other times they ask Mom to leave 'cause dogs aren't supposed to be there, but then she complains about the little yippy dogs that are there, and they leave us alone. I guess the rule is that you're only supposed to bring dogs that can be carried by their owners, and boy are they gonna be surprised the day they try to tell Mom that, 'cause she can pick me up no problem.
49. She also goes and complains when security bothers us, 'cause she says it's a great way to get free parking for the day.
50. Lots of the people Mommy works with at Snap think I'm cute. They make squealy noises and pet me. It's neat. Margeurite told Mommy that they should hire me to be a greeter. Mom says only if she gets the paycheck for it.
51. Mom doesn't let her short friends walk me since the time I started to pull Auntie Little Sister down the street. Mom scolded me for that, but I could tell she was trying not to laugh.
52. I get away with a lot of stuff 'cause Mom's trying not to laugh. She says I'm "the damnedest creature".
53. One night, Unca Pat came home & taught me how to wrassle. It's fun. Every so often, I go over to Mom & jump on her 'cause I wanna wrassle. When we get done, she tells me that she'd going to give Unca Pat his due by making good use of her time with Lil' Spawn when she goes to visit after he's born.
54. I used to have this soccer ball. It replaced my last soccer ball, 'cause I popped it. Then Mom tried volleyballs, & I popped that too, so we went back to soccer balls, 'cause Mom says they're cheaper. Soccer is fun. I can push the ball with my front paws and everything.
54. I look like the doggies from something called a William Wegman picture. People tell Mom that all the time, and she sighs. She says that it's bad enough she keeps coming out of the store & finding me in the driver's seat, she doesn't want to have to worry about me wearing her clothes.
55. Auntie Polgara held my leash while Mom used the ATM once, & told Mom after that she felt like her arm was being pulled off. Mom says that's why she's not worried about the fact she doesn't have a gym right now - who needs a lifting routine when she's got me?
56. I used to go to visit at Auntie OzLady's house a lot. She has a doggie named Sydney, and we ran around a lot. One morning, Unca Dr. OzLady came in & I didn't know it was him, so I jumped out from under the covers and barked at him. He seemed surprised I was sleeping under the covers. Where else would I sleep?
57. When Mommy first got me, her Mommy used to say that I should be given to someone who had a farm and a lot of room for me to run around. Mommy told her Mom that I was hers, and too bad. I was glad, 'cause why would I want to go to a farm? Mommy's right here. Maybe she meant that Mommy & I should buy a farm? I still don't get it.
58. First Owners used to say that I had to stay outside 'cause I was too hyper & couldn't be allowed near their kids. Mom says that for a dog that was so hyper, I sure do nap alot. Then she calls me a lazy git and tells me to get out of the bed so she can make it.
59. I don't know why she bothers to make the bed. I'm just going to wait until she leaves, then jump on it so I can get under the covers again.
60. If you stand there long enough, & you are patient, you will always get a piece of cheese. It's a rule. I made it up myself.
61. At first, Auntie Amaranth would tell Mommy to come get me when Mommy first went to L.A. But then I brought her under my thrall, and she didn't want me to go by the time Mommy had a 'partment.
62. My thrall is sneaky. It involves cuddling, and sleeping with you to keep your feet warm, and the fact that my ears are nice and soft. It might take a while, but eventually, yeah. You'll be under the Zoey-thrall.
63. I give hugs too. I get on my back paws, and put my front paws around your hips, and then I snuggle. Works like a charm.....
64. Sometimes, when I jump up, Mom grabs my front paws, and we dance. She tells me that I "dance divinely". hee.
65. Auntie Anya just read my list so far, & says that she can resist the Zoey-thrall, 'cause she's stubborn, & still holding a grudge from when I "vaulted off my skull!"
67. Sometimes, Mom says she should have named me Karma.
68. I got left behind yesterday when Mom went running, 'cause I decided to go through the trash. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Then I was looking at it, and remembered the last time it seemed like a good idea too but I just ended up in Time Out. But by then it was too late, and I couldn't put it back together.
69. I think I got gypped on the opposable thumbs thing.
70. One time, in the old 'partment, the roof started raining while Mom was at work. I took one look at it & curled up on the bed, 'cause I was sure I was gettin' in trouble for this one, but I couldn't figure out how I'd managed it.
71. That night, when Mom came home, she had Unca kenickie with her. I'd never met him before, but he was neat, even if he did talk funny 'cause he's all Briteshh and I'd been waiting a while 'cause Mom went to the airport after work, that I got so 'cited I peed right in front of him. He thought it was funny, and Mom said that since half the 'partment was flooded anyway, it really didn't make a damn bit of difference at that point, did it?
72. Same weekend, this weird snake was in the kitchen. I don't know why, but after he got there, the rain in the 'partment stopped, so I think he was there to scare the rain away.
73. Unca Pat imitates me in this reeeeeally high voice & says that my brain goes, "pppeeeeeeeople!"
74. I so don't sound like that in real life.
75. I'm trying to resist the urge to knock over the garbage, 'cause I wanna go running today......urg. Must. Be. Strong!
76. I gave up trying to get out of baths. One day, back in New Hampshire, I ran away when I heard the tub running & tried to hide under Mommy's parents' bed. I didn't quite fit, so my butt and my tail were sticking out from underneath the bed. Mom pulled me out, picked me up, & dropped me in the tub anyway. After that, there was really no point in resisting 'cause I know I'm gonna lose, so now I just get in the tub.
77. The same day, the kittens followed us into the bathroom 'cause they saw me get put in the tub & came in to make fun of me. Mom got me out of the tub, saw them sitting behind her giggling, and picked them both up by the scruff of their necks. She asked them what they thought was so funny, and dropped them in the tub too. It was great. Heidi made the mistake of coming in to see what was going on, so Mom tossed her in at the end. After that, nobody made fun of me when I had a bath, and they all went to the other side of the house when Mom said she was starting the tub for me.
78. Whenever Mom leaves a towel on the floor, I like to lay down and roll around in it, even if it's her towel. So when she gets tired of trying to dry me off after a bath, she just throws the towel on the floor and I take care of the rest. Mom says I'm "self-serve".
79. I tried to be self-serve once with food, but it didn't really work out good. Mommy's mommy was making pizza, & she left this bowl of broccoli on the edge of the counter, and it smelled really good...... so it's possible that I jumped up & knocked it to the floor. I still say it fell on its own, so I couldn't let the half a pound of broccoli go to waste. Five second rule.
80. Mom bit her lip a lot when her Mom was yelling at her 'cause I'd eaten the broccoli, and looked like she was trying to not to laugh again. Then Mom made me go in the yard for a while, 'cause she said when that garlic caught up to me, we were all gonna to be sorry.
81. Every day when she leaves for work, Mom kisses me on the head and tells me to "Be good, and don't blow anything up while I'm gone". I'm not sure what that means, but I think I've managed to get it right so far, 'cause she keeps telling me, and if I'd done it, I don't think she'd say that anymore.
82. One Christmas, Mom & Unca FlyBoy went outside to get the presents from Nanny's car, so I went too. But I didn't know there was ice on the porch, and I ran out, and I couldn't turn, and 'fore I knew it, I was on the other side of the porch, and my head was stuck between the slats. Mom and Unca FlyBoy seemed really surprised by it, 'cause I had to wait a minute or so 'fore they stopped laughing enough that they could get me out.
83. Unca FlyBoy told Mom that it's possible I'm broken when he saw me do that.
84. When we lived with Mommy's parents, all the 'nanermals used to sleep with Mommy. She'd go to bed, and I'd take one side, and Heidi would sleep on her other side. Fritz sat at her head and purred, and Hansel liked to lay on her back. It worked real good, 'cept for when Mommy would turn over in her sleep, and Hansel used his claws in her back to stay on. Then she didn't like us that much.
85. I like to watch TV. I sit on the couch and watch whatever Mom's got on. Mom says it kinda weirds her out after a while, because now she wonders if she's going to have to start paying attention to the parental warnings so that I don't pick up more bad habits.
86. I weird Mom out a lot. We went to see Auntie Dao one weekend, & Mom fell asleep on the couch. I was on the porch, so I just sat there and watched her sleep while I waited for her to wake up so we could go do more stuff. Mom found out I'd been watching her for an hour & a half, and mumbled that I was freakin' her out.
87. When we went to see Auntie Dao, I made friends with Kayak Tom's dog Tucker. He was cool. They forgot to close up the bag of Tucker's food, so we just kept eating out of that until they caught us 'cause they couldn't figure out why we didn't eat from our bowls. Then the jig was up.
88. I liked Tucker's food so much that when we got back, I didn't want to eat my food anymore, so I stopped eating it. Mom got worried, & then she figured it out, and got Tucker's food for me at the store, so I started eating again, and Mom rolled her eyes at me and called me "a primma donna". Auntie Dao laughed when Mom told her that.
89. I like kitties. I just can't figure out why they never want to play. I mean, I stopped snuffling their bellies, 'cause that didn't seem to work. Now I just stand three feet away from them wiggle my tail a lot, and whimper to see if they wanna play. Mom always says I'm "pathetic" when I do that.
90. I heard Mom say that she might get me a kitty for Christmas. That'd be coooollll...
91. I like Doritos.
92. Auntie Amaranth got me hooked on Felicity. She likes to watch repeats of that & Dawson's Creek.
93. Other doggies my color have blue eyes, but I have yellow eyes.
94. When I sit in the car, I like to sit in the middle of the backseat. That means that when you're driving, & you look in the rearview mirror, all you can see is my two yellow eyes. Nobody believed Mommy about that until Auntie Amaranth was driving Mommy's car one day and saw me doing that. She told Mom it was "like Jurassic Park - you look back, & there are just these dinosaur eyes staring at you!"
95. The windows in the new apartment are at just the right height for me to be able to put my front paws up on the windowsill and stand there watchin' everybody that goes back & forth.
96. Mom hasn't gotten rugs for the new place yet, and it's all hardwood, so you can hear my nails tapping when I walk. She told Auntie Andrea next door that she has these visions of me and Daisy (Andrea's puppy) sitting on either side of the wall and tapping out messages in Morse code with our paws like a bad WWII prisoner movie.
97. Sometimes, Mom sings to me when I get scared. It's nice.
98. If nobody's watching, I can rip all the fuzzies off a tennis ball & break it open in under half an hour. That's why Mommy won't get me a stuffed 'nanermal. She got tired of cleaning up the stuffin'.
99. Mom says that some girls have teddy bears, but she got a Weimermonster.
100. One time, when we were at Mommy's parents' house, and Fritz was still just a kitten, he was on the table, and I wanted to play with him, but he kept backing up, so I jumped up on to the kitchen table. Mom caught me standing on the table, pulled me off, & now says that it never happened, and under no circumstances is her Mommy to know about it, 'cause then we'd all be dead.
101. It's a good thing I'm cute, or I'd probably be dead by now.